Posted on: Aug 16 2017

23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”

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There comes a moment in life where you parents sit you down to have “the talk”. You know the one, all about the “birds and the bees” and they finally explain to you what hormones do to your body, the major changes of puberty, and what sex is. I never got the talk, to be honest. The closest thing I got was “Puberty is normal and you’re getting your period soon. Don’t have sex until you’re married.”

So, that was that. I never had any explanation as to what the f*ck happens during puberty, what a period was, and the changing hormones in my body. I definitely didn’t know what the deal is when you actually have sex, either. I guess I dodged the bullet when it came to awkward conversations about sex with my parents but that didn’t prepare me for what the hell to do when it actually came down to losing my V card. If you must know, I figured it out and now know how to do the dirty! You can say I’m a quick learner.

Those that were fortunate enough to have the talk about the “birds and the bees” usually have the most awkward stories from mom and dad. What’s a talk about sex with your parents without the awkwardness? It comes with the territory, regardless of whether you’re prepared for the talk or not. Usually, you’re not prepared for the talk, which makes for a better story for future reference.

These 23 parents give pretty awful advice about the “birds and the bees”:


1.

I was left a book on my bed. ‘God, sex, and you’. Not as kinky as you’d think.

2.

Never got the talk. My shy and awkward dad’s only attempt was one day, out of the blue, he said, “If you ever have questions about, you know, the ‘s-word’, you can ask me.” In the moment I was thoroughly unsure if he meant sex or smoking.

3.

Back when I was 12/13, I got the closest thing to “the talk” my parents gave me. I had just gotten home from bible study, where we had discussed “saving ourselves” and had to sign chastity pledges or something like that. I would usually go and chat with my parents for about half an hour afterwards about what I had learned and such. However, this time my mom gently shooed my dad out of the room and sat down on the bed next to me. “I disagree with the church on a lot of things,” she told me. “The church says it’s bad to masturbate, but it’s okay if you do. A lot of people do.” I thought on this for a moment, then asked her, “Do you ever masturbate?” I still cringe when thinking about it.

4.

When my dad drinks he gets emotional. When he drinks too much he gets emotional and wants to tell me about the ways of the world. I’m an 18 year old girl who’s had the sex talk from her dad more times than I could count. Each time it’s different, depending on what’s been on his mind. Sometimes it’s a warning about men. Once he told me, ‘don’t have sex with Greek men. They’re bastards.’ Other times the talk takes on a political theme and he tells me if I don’t have birth control, I should. And that I shouldn’t let any man tell me otherwise. My all time favorite quote was, “Bring your own condoms. You always hear about women poking holes in them and shit. But men are crazy motherf*ckers too.” Thanks dad.
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