Posted on: Aug 05 2017

23 People Confess The Worst Thing That Has Ever Happened To Their Butt

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Butts — what miraculous, wondrous, sexy, awkward, dirty, awesome things. They give us cushioning when we sit, they’re fun as f*ck to slap around in bed, and sometimes really terrible (and literal) sh*t happens to them. Butts all over the world clench in horror when strangers across the internet talk about the times they’ve fallen and gotten a shard of ice stuck in their cheeks. A**holes pucker when told about that guy who shoved a water hose up his butt and then turned it on full blast (but why tho?).

Some butts go through life never having needed stitches or tearing or bleeding, and that’s really great for the people attached. But others are not so lucky. I mean, child birth is literally the craziest thing that can happen to one’s vagina and butt hole, especially when that little sack of adorable flesh tears through you from vag to a**.

So while these stories may not be for the faint of heart (or ass), just relish in the fact that you don’t have an X-ACTO knife piercing through your butt flesh right now. And just be thankful that you’ll never have to spoon sh*t out of your butt because you were so constipated. Oh God, I really hope that you never do.

These are 23 of the worst things that have ever happened to butts:


1.

When I was 12 I got out of the shower and started drying off in my room. I had recently acquired one of those compressed air keyboard cleaners and started using it to basically blow-dry myself. After doing my chest I flipped it over and started at my ass to work my way down. Unfortunately that below-freezing liquid comes out if you flip it upside-down. I gave myself frostbite on the ass with a compressed air keyboard cleaner.

2.

When I was younger I used to take my mom’s exacto knife and chuck it up so the pointy stuck in the ceiling. If the pointy end didn’t stick in the ceiling I could usually get out of the way before it fell down. On one instance, however, I realized I didn’t have time to get out of the way and instead elected to lie in the fetal position. The pointy end went straight into my ass, and that was the last time that I ever threw an exacto blade against the ceiling.

3.

wSplit from vag to anus delivering my daughter. Then split it open again a week later. Four years later and my ass is still not the same. Probably never will be. Birthin’ ain’t for sissies.

4.

This happend to my mom. Where she grew up there was a hill nearby that everyone called “the Camel” because it had two steep humps. It was apparently a blast to go sledding down the Camel, but immensely dangerous. So one time my mom went to the Camel on a day when school had been cancelled due to snow and ice. She got on a sled and started going down. She hit the first hump and whooomp the sled goes out from under her, but she doesn’t stop. Keeps gaining momentum. And then riiiip as she goes over the second hump. A shard of ice goes right through her snow pants, right down to the buttcheek. Blood everywhere. Ass is freezing. Time to limp home and face the music.

5.

A mormon guy once told me that in seminary he and his missionary buddies thought it was funny to go to the janitor closet and take the hose, put it on a trickle and put it to your butthole and fill your intestines with water. He said you could then hold ALL that water and go blast it at something. (WTF right?!) So I was telling a friend what this guy told me. And my friend was like “DUDE you should do it!!” So I stupidly agreed. We go outside, grab the hose, I put it to my butt. My buddy then proceeds to CRANK the water really hard. I didn’t account for all the air that was in the hose so I my guts FILLED with air then a whole ton of water. This all happened in like 1.5 seconds. I screamed and dropped the hose. I fell down on all fours still yelling. I felt like I was going to explode. Then it happened. I pulled my pants back down and exploded shit all over his deck. But I still felt sick for like an hour. I hated my friend for a good hour after that. He still calls me “Hose butt” from time to time. Ugh.

6.

When I was little my big brother gave me a backy on his bike. We were going really fast down a hill and I slipped off. The back wheel took all the skin off my arse cheek. I was screaming and crying but we’d been banned from doing backies by my dad so my brother made me promise not to tell my parents so we (he) wouldn’t get into trouble. I kept quite all night and all through dinner just quietly whimpering to my self and then asked to go to bed early as I wasn’t feeling well. Skip forward a couple of hours and my parents ran up to me screaming. I had gone to sleep naked as my underwear hurt and woken up to my gooey arse cheek having scabbed over and fused with the sheet, as I rolled over the whole scab ripped of and my arse was on fire with blood and scab everywhere.
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