In our current world of environmental, social, and political doom, it’s not particularly difficult to find yourself hyperventilating while huffing into a brown paper bag. I mean,
the insufferable orange ball of bigotry our president makes it easy AF to slip into anxious despair more than any other man in my life — and I’ve been around my fair share of f*ckboys. Also, f*ck you, Chad.
The big, scary things are a bit easier to spot on the nightly news and throughout social media — but sometimes, people get tweaked the f*ck out from everyday, random things. I mean, have you ever been driving on a two-lane highway late at night and think you’re going to die every time a car passes in the opposite direction? All it takes is one second of distraction and you could be an asphalt pancake quicker that you can say — “We’re all f*cked.”
Also, is there anyone out there who actually enjoys the act of getting a haircut? I went in for a quick bang trim and now I’m sitting here anxiously twiddling my thumbs while trying to not be awkward and answering stupid questions about where I went to college. There needs to be a special kind of salon that doesn’t allow talking. Only the sounds of scissors and my rambling inner thoughts about last night’s Bachelor In Paradise should fill the mirrored space. Oh, and shouts out to all of the hair salons who give out free booze — y’all are the real MVPs.