Posted on: Dec 07 2016

39 Dirty Texts About The Crazy Ways People Get Themselves Off

Writer


Flicking the bean, slapping the salami, tootin’ the ole horn, flogging the log, polishing the pearl — everyone loves to masturbate. And if you say you don’t, well, I don’t f*cking believe you.

Masturbating is humanity’s favorite past time. I mean, there’s a reason our hands perfectly reach our nether regions. We evolved into some horny motherf*ckers, and when we can’t find anyone else to boink us, our hands (or electric toothbrush, or zucchini, or Fleshlight, or blow-up doll) will do just fine.

You can do it when you’re horny, when you’re happy, when you’re depressed, or when you’re drunk and eating Taco Bell in bed — except you’re saucing a different kind of taco. Yes, masturbation knows no bounds.

These texts show the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to gettin’ down on yourself:


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