I don’t like to throw around terms like “hilarious” or “funniest” all willy nilly. I stand by my selections like a mother stands by her very large son and refuse to hear of them slandered or put down in any way. If you don’t find yourself chuckling, chortling, or cackling at any one of these tweets, then brother, I’m not sure I can help you.
1.
cons of drinking alcohol:
-liquifies your insides the next day
-sometimes makes you sad for no reason
-tastes like garbage
-brain has to reboot for the next 48 hours
-literally poison
-could actually kill youpros of drinking alcohol:
-fun juice makes me go haha have fun— Minna 🔸 (@minnascule) October 14, 2018
2.
[watching porn] god I hope she is registered to vote
— Atman Thakrar (@AtmanThakrar) October 11, 2018
3.
Me during a home invasion and the burglar tells me they haven’t registered to vote pic.twitter.com/nKLARcDe95
— Sofi LaLonde (@SofiLaLonde) October 19, 2018
4.
God: Noah come here
Noah: What’s the tea, sis?
God: I’m sick of all of you; I’m deleting the earth
Noah: Wig
God: You can live, though. Build a huge boat
Noah: I. Am. SHAKING!
God: And bring two of every animal with you
Noah: Weird flex but ok
— Nat(AHT-AHT)sha Oladokun 🧼🧽 (@NatashaOladokun) October 11, 2018
5.
Makes sense. They’re their parents https://t.co/PbNgJ61tju
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) October 13, 2018
6.
Remember when Mom would make Mickey Mouse pancakes and we'd be all, "yes, bitch, you're outrageous!"
— Cole Escola (@ColeEscola) October 13, 2018
7.
I feel sorry for Netflix era kids. They will never know the high stakes adrenaline of running to the bathroom/fridge/bedroom in a single ad break, with the beckoning call of a sibling screaming “It’s ONNNNNN” to send you hurdling over furniture to get back in time.
— Felicity (@FlossAus) October 14, 2018
8.
cashier: that’ll be $19.99
me, with a crisp twenty dollar bill in my pocket: ok
cashier: plus tax
me: https://t.co/dpr8VoQaRw— rav (@Doughbvy) October 15, 2018
9.
cells be like
o
fuck it
mitosis timeo
0
8
oo— logan (@piloht) October 15, 2018
10.
me transitioning from 2018 to 2019 pic.twitter.com/sxe2RAURB7
— Dorsey Shaw (@dorseyshaw) October 18, 2018
11.
jamie lee curtis been eating activia DAILY since 2010 bitch michael meyers ain't stand no chance
— 𝐤𝖔𝖇𝐲 ♥ (@kobychill) October 20, 2018
12.
So what, I want to have kids with Rihanna https://t.co/0Wj7z3iINL
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) October 21, 2018
13.
bitch you’re an actor https://t.co/9PMm3ceMy0
— 𖤐 monce 𖤐 (@rhollingstones) October 21, 2018
14.
i texted my dad saying “happy monday let’s get this bread”. his response was “i can go to Costco after work”. amazing
— Satomaa (@ammazing_) October 15, 2018
15.
waking up and realizing you gotta get this bread for another 40 years pic.twitter.com/b6X8SOUbYY
— follow me only if you're sad (@dumbricardo) October 20, 2018
16.
I DONT WANNA GET THIS BREAD ANYMORE IM TIRED pic.twitter.com/kOpHeJbwFP
— saint swazi (@swazikills) October 16, 2018
17.
Me putting on my black denim jeans fresh out of the dryer. pic.twitter.com/BXafkJUyFu
— Father Sean Misty (@seanieviola) November 29, 2016
18.
Bartender: “leave it open?”
Me: “nah, close it”
*5min later*
— jess🤙🏾 (@jstradforever) October 17, 2018
19.
I’m in Target right now and I just overhead a woman tell her daughter, “Come on baby. Daddy will be home around 8:30 and we have to beat him there to hide all the clothes we are buying.” I 110% think I just saw a glimpse of my future
— Lexi Stover (@L_Stovee) April 6, 2018
20.
It’s the remix to ignition pic.twitter.com/EXOo7Xx3Yh
— Becky (@BretJett_) April 8, 2018
21.
When the professor asks a question and you gotta act like you’re reading the board still so he doesn’t call on you pic.twitter.com/frDcWzB1y1
— 🦋 (@sopheezus) April 5, 2018
22.
When the wrong number texts me pic.twitter.com/hClW1yDLdP
— not karley 📡 (@Itskarleytime) April 9, 2018
23.
not to brag but this bird just proposed to me pic.twitter.com/ou2sqVbeBD
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) April 11, 2018
h/t: Buzzfeed
