8 Ways Getting Cheated On Changes Your Outlook On Relationships

In relationships, there’s no bigger pain than realizing the person you love has been disloyal. While no one wants to get cheated on, it does happen more often than we want to think. In over 1/3 of marriages, one partner has admitted to being unfaithful.
While cheating can destroy a relationship indefinitely, it can also destroy the people involved. More often than not, the person who is cheated on completely changes their outlook on life and love. It’s almost inevitable–the person you loved and trusted completely threw you to the curb as though you didn’t matter, how can you believe love is “real” now?

Many individuals think that it takes a bit of time to move on from the hurt and the pain before you can try to love again. And, while that’s true, there’s a lot more that goes into the aftermath of being cheated on. Subconsciously, you change as a person entirely and, not just in romantic relationships.

8.

“I lost all confidence in myself and my body. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for any guy at all.” –Stephanie, 24.

After getting cheated on, many women undergo self-esteem issues. When speaking with women who have gone through this, the majority claim it takes time for them to “rebuild their confidence again.” When they were cheated on, they felt as though–at first–it was because they were lacking something. Relationship expert Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, says, however, that this kind of mentality can be dangerous to those who have been cheated on.

Asking yourself what you did wrong after being cheated on puts part of the blame on you when in fact cheating has nothing to do with you.

Many women reveal that they felt as though they weren’t good enough to be with another person, or, in their future relationships they were less confident and more worried that things would go south rather quickly.

7.

“Obviously, I had a big trust issue after my boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me. I started to question some of my long-term friendships too, not just romantic partners.”-Laura, 29.

One of the biggest issues that those who have been cheated on fact is learning to trust again. As one would guess, after someone hurts you in such a way, it’s hard to trust anyone who claims they “love you.” But, it’s not limited to boyfriends/girlfriends in the future. Experts say that after many people find out their partner cheated on them, they questioned everyone in their lives. Your romantic partner is someone you are the most intimate with and if they can hurt you like this, who says your friends and family won’t too?

6.

“In the relationship I entered after ending the one where I was cheated on by my ex, I was crazy paranoid all of the time. I would look for problems even where there weren’t any.” –Meghan, 31.

After getting out of a relationship that’s toxic and involves cheating, people look back and wonder how they missed the signs. One of the stages individuals go through when they’re cheated on is studying the details. Relationship experts claim it’s normal to look back and relive the past–wondering where you missed the “hints” and “clues” that their partner was being unfaithful.

What’s unhealthy is bringing that baggage into your next relationship. Some experts believe that if you bring your trust issues and cheating baggage into your new relationship, you aren’t ready to move on just yet–you’re still too emotional over what happened. Jeffrey Sumber, MA, MTS, LCPC, Psychotherapist and Best-selling Author of Renew Your Wows !, says:

One of the most important things that must happen after the cheatee discovers the cheating is to allow the process of emotional reaction to occur before even attempting to make rational decisions.

5.

“I overcompensated my insecurities with sex in my next relationship. I thought that if I had a lot of sex with my boyfriend, he wouldn’t want to go have sex with someone else. It ended up pushing him away.” –Angela, 26. 

Much like feeling low self-esteem, those who are cheated on place a high value on sex and the physical aspect of a relationship because they look back and feel–if they had more sex with their partner, they wouldn’t have cheated. This, however, is far from the truth. Placing an emphasis on sex shows that the core values of the relationship aren’t as important to you, which can rub your future partner the wrong way. Experts say that it’s important to focus less on sex and more on trust and honesty.

4.

“I began to think that the only way to deal with relationship pain was to drink and forget the problem. I ignored so many signs and warnings because I didn’t want to face the truth and instead I drank to cope.” –Jaclyn, 32.

Many people who are cheated on engage in incredibly risky behaviors to cope with the pain and hurt. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships claim it’s a common reaction for those who have been cheated on to engage in drug or alcohol use. The study also reveals that those who take the blame for their partner’s infidelity tend to partake in these behaviors more so than others.

Not only is this an unhealthy way to deal with relationship problems, but it can be a danger to your physical health overall.

3.

“I felt extremely guilty for staying with my partner after they cheated on me. Like, I felt like I was stupid and everyone was judging me. I started to feel like a complete idiot and it made me feel really small in the relationship until we broke up.” –Keren, 27.

While people believe the best thing to do when they’re cheated on is to end the relationship, there are those who stay and try to work things out. It happens more often than many would believe and, sometimes, things work out in the end. Other times, they don’t. If you do decide to stay in your relationship and work things out, experts say you have to truly move past the situation and the cheating in order to make things work.  Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist, and author of The Commuter Marriage: Keep Your Relationship Close While You’re Far Apart says:

Forgiving each other doesn’t mean condoning what happened, or that it would be OK if it happened again. What it does mean, is that you’re willing to close that chapter and move on.

If you still are fixated on the cheating, the blame, and the arguing, you’re never going to be able to succeed as a couple.

2.

“I have a really hard time opening up to people or letting people in now. I told my ex everything, he knew everything about me. I feel like if I open up to someone else, I’ll just get f**ked over again.” –Nicole, 28.

Feeling insecure about opening up to people after being cheated on is a rather normal emotional response. Many people who have been cheated on take longer to let their guard down when they begin to date again. If you feel as though you’re struggling with opening up to someone new, it may be a sign that you’re not ready to begin dating again. Experts suggest taking a break from dating after experiencing emotional trauma from a previous relationship.  Danine Manette, speaker, criminal investigator, and author of ULTIMATE BETRAYAL: Recognizing, Uncovering, and Dealing With Infidelity says:

“Every potential partner must be given the opportunity to enjoy a relationship with a healthy companion. Therefore, if you do not feel that you are in a mental or emotional position to give clean slates to new individuals, then additional time spent alone and being introspective is likely the best course of action.”

1.

“I don’t believe that love is real anymore. I know that sounds really dumb and damaged, but if someone who claimed they loved me (and still claims he does) can do me so dirty–maybe love isn’t all that we make it up to be.” –Perri, 33.

When you’re hurt by someone who you loved–and who claims they loved you–it’s going to be hard to believe in love at all. Many people go through the grieving stage where they think that love, romance, and relationships are complete shams. Experts call this the “pessimistic” stage of coping with relationship trauma. We begin to believe that relationships and love just aren’t worth investing our time in and instead, we push people and potential suitors away.

In reality, this is a defense mechanism. We’re so scared to get hurt again that instead of opening ourselves up to someone new, we decide that writing off love altogether is much simpler and easy. It’s not. In the end, we’ll end up feeling more empty and more alone.