Posted on: Dec 17 2017

These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands

Writer


Image via Giphy

I get it — one night stands tend to get a bad rap. You meet a guy at a bar after chugging your fifth vodka soda and he’s funny and nice and even kind of cute. You decide to go back to your place to “watch the latest episode of Game of Thrones” and find yourself scurrying down a rabbit hole of sloppy, drunken sex, some really awkward noises, and a morning filled with smudgy mascara and a pounding headache. Oh, and now you have to figure out how to get this snoring, naked man out of your house so you can enjoy doing literally anything else. Alone.

If you’re a lucky and mature adult, one night stands can be fun AF. Gone are the days of blacking out and f*cking gross strangers — now you are confident enough in yourself and your genitals to meet someone, bang it out while not very heavily under the influence, orgasm, and be on your merry way! If only we could all be so lucky. But for those who are still taking Fireball shots into the wee morning hours while hooking up with that chick you met at that beach music festival and getting sand into every single crevice and orifice of your body and junk — this one’s for you.

Here’s to all of the hungover singles who woke up to their hookup drenched in piss. Here’s to the couple of distant cousins who accidentally f*cked at a family’s wedding reception. Here’s to all of the horny horn dogs all over the world who just want to get some without having to deal with the sheer panic and awkwardness of being picked up the next morning by an Uber driver who also happens to be your one night stand’s dad. I hope you all have many nights of wild sex and debauchery to come! Just make sure you keep the condoms and Advil (and your dignity) at the ready.

These people had the most insane and regrettable one night stands:


1.

I woke up and went outside to call an Uber home after hooking up with this girl and going back to her house one night. Turns out her Dad is an Uber driver, and guess who was his first customer of the day? Hands down the most awkward car ride I have ever experienced.

2.

Waking up and being asked to leave, and then going outside to find my car was towed. Then having to go back inside and wait.

3.

She wanted me to stay for the night, I didn’t want to but I did. I woke up in the middle of the night and tried to sneak out just to find out the door was locked! She woke up and asked me where I was going.”Water” was the only thing that came to mind. She walked with me to the kitchen, walked with me back to the room and locked the door again.

4.

Woke up between a young married couple I met at the bar the night before. I spent the morning awkwardly being shown their wedding photos from just three weeks prior. When it was time to politely jet, I couldn’t find my other sock, at which point the husband excitedly shouts “souvenir!”

5.

Woke up on the other side of London pretty happy with myself until I realized all I had to wear was a tiger onesie, no shoes not t-shirt just boxers and a tiger onesie. Going through London rush hour in a tiger onesie with the remains of tiger face paint was interesting.
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