This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through

5.

Her dog licked my butthole. I was pumping her, like BAM BAM BAM BAM BAN then BAM long dog tongue on my pooper…. I cried.

6.

Her p*ssy tasted like maple syrup and as a Canadian I knew this shit ain’t right. Doctor determined she had been consuming too much fenugreek (in case you want maple flavoured cum).

7.

I was tongue-deep in my lover’s labia on a warm summer’s evening when the dryness of the air combined with mild dehydration caused my nose to start bleeding. Neither of us noticed until I had come up for air and realized I’d been painting the town red for a few minutes. The first reaction was “Oh god. Is it period time already?” and a run to the bathroom, followed by me shouting at the bathroom door that it was actually my fault. We ended up taking a shower together instead.

8.

GF and I were getting ready for round 2. We’ve got a Spotify playlist playing in the background and I didn’t have premium. A Geico ad plays and as we get ready to get back to it we both here, “Daddy, where do babies come from?” Not only did it instantly kill our mood, we both fucking lost it. We’re just howling with laughter.

Written by Alex Cogen

Alex is a New Yorker currently living in Austin. She loves cats, grass, and latex but unfortunately is allergic to all 3. She makes mom and dad jokes more than she cares to admit (jk she'll admit it loud and proud). She isn't as funny as she thinks she is. She is the founder of thelazygurl.com.