Mar 04 2018
Image via Giphy
I remember the first time I ever walked into a sex shop. I was 18, had just moved away from home to college, and thought it was a fun idea to accompany my friends to Boulder’s very own dirty boutique — “Fascinations.” I can almost smell the latex and silicon like it was yesterday. I looked around at the vibrators and dildos and floggers with an inquisitive and nervous glee as I brushed my fingertips along a row of fuzzy thongs. Fascination would be an understatement.
Fast forward a decade and my pussy now laughs in the face of vibrating underwear and 5 inch dildos (lolol). Sex shops are fun AF to get lost in, to peruse until you find the perfect little machine or contraption to give you endless orgasms, and to open up a healthy dialogue around sex and bodies and how people f*ck. Well, most of the time.
For sex shop employees — our sexual wonderland of toys and lust and idyllic openness is anything but. The crazies are bound to walk in and jizz everywhere at some point. According to the disgruntled present and former sex shop workers of the internet, dealing with super horny and ridiculous customers can sometimes take a toll. If you thought your 9 to 5 was bad, think about cleaning up people’s jizz and deflecting creepy dudes’ unwanted advances while you’re just trying to show them what kind of cock rings you have available. Sh*t (and boners) can get hard.
These sex shop employees had to deal with the most insane customers:
I found a dead body in the preview/jerk off booth my 3rd shift at the shop. I saw the door was locked but the customer wasn’t paying for the movie/space any longer. Banged on the door, no answer. Grabbed the keys, the door was blocked. It was a huge man with overalls around his ankles lying dead on the floor. RIP. 2.
A middle aged couple came in looking for a cock ring and a bullet/small vibrator. When they were looking at our remote controlled bullets, they saw one that they recognized. They went on to tell me that the swingers group that they were a part of had bought about 8 of them for an activity they had planned. This activity entailed giving each of the ladies in the group a bullet and then all the men picking a random remote. The plan was that throughout their evening, the guys would use the remotes to activate the bullets that were inside the women without warning. Pretty creative plan, right? Except what they didn’t realize was that every remote and every bullet was exactly the same. So any bullet that was in range of the remote that was being used would activate. Apparently the night still went well, just not quite as planned. 3.
An older French woman came in, probably in her early 70s. Super sweet woman. I asked if I could help her find anything. She informed me that her daughter had bought her a vibrating dildo but it had died so she wanted a new one. I showed her what we had and she ended up choosing a very high end one. At check out, she realized that she’d like some lube as well so I helped her find the best one for her needs. Once we were back at the register, she again stopped me because she saw some female stimulation oil that she wanted. After that, she felt she had what she needed and finished her purchase (which came out to about 400USD). She thanked me over and over again, hugged me, and practically giggled her way out of the store. I seriously hope to be like her at that age. 4.
My buddy managed a sex shop and a guy brought back an inflatable love doll, wanted to return for exchange because he wore it out. My buddy just said you have to buy another one. 5.
A middle aged married couple came in one evening and kind of wandered around nervously. They refused my help at first but then finally caved and asked for my input. Apparently, they’d been married a long time and still loved each other but they felt like they had a dead bedroom situation that they wanted to fix. They wanted an awesome couples toy or activity that would rekindle things between the sheets. I immediately showed them something called the We-Vibe. A seriously magical couples toy. They were blown away by how much this little vibrator could do and were sold, not even caring about the high-ish price tag. They left looking so excited and maybe a little nervous. I felt like I’d helped save a big part of their marriage. 6.
Had video rental rooms with a $20 deposit. Use the Kleenex, don’t urinate in the trash can, you’ll get your deposit back. Why we had the urination rule was bizarre to me. Then I had to tell a guy he wasn’t getting his deposit back. 7.
One day, a middle-aged man came to the store, furious. Shouting “How can you people sell sextoys to kids??” (there’s no rule or law about this here). My brother tries to calm him down and ask what’s going on? Apparently, this gentleman’s ~13 year old son had purchased a Clone-a-Willy, a kit of which you can make a dildo that’s shaped like your dick. What the boy had done was that he had made a clone, and then used it on himself. What he didn’t know is that butt-toys have those wings to prevent it from sliding in, and that’s exactly what happened. Talk about fucking yourself. The kid had freaked and told his parents, so the dad had just been at the ER with his boy, and I guess needed a punching bag. 8.
My sister used to work at a classier sex shop. They got a lot of nurses in there from a nearby hospital so they always got to hear raunchy cases that came into the ER. My favorite one was this woman who wanted to try anal but her boyfriend wasn’t into the whole thing. She decided to try it herself and backed up onto a doorknob. Yes, you read that correctly. Now, picture a doorknob and think very carefully about the role of a sphincter… She got stuck and called the fire department who came down and cut a section of the door off. Apparently she was brought in, stomach down on a gurney, with part of the door attached protruding from her ass to the ER. A few muscle relaxers and some lubrication later and she was out of there. 9.
A woman came in who wanted to know if we had any extra large vibrators or dildos. Her job involved being very secluded so she’d met a guy online who would come and fuck her every so often and he was a black guy with a huge cock. She’d now gotten used to this as he was apparently 12″ plus and nearly the thickness of a drink can (allegedly). We didn’t have anything of the size she required so at my suggestion she bought a double ended dildo (which was pretty thick) to use both ends in her vagina at the same time. 10.
A girl who had the opposite problem, her vagina was too small for most vibrators. I had a feeling that this was a bit more of a chat up line than an actual problem though. Despite not being attractive I’d get a lot of women flirting with me, one even “forgot” that she was naked and walked out of the changing room to chat with me. 11.
An old gent came in and wanted to experiment with sex toys as he and his wife’s sex life was somewhat dead. I spent a while going through options with him and he seemed happy with his purchases so that was that. A week later an oldish woman came into the shop on my day off to see me to say thank you because their sex life was now incredible. She actually burst into tears while talking to my colleagues because it had made such a difference. 12.
The surreal one was an old fella who had never used sex toys but he wanted to try with his new wife so I had to explain how everything in the shop worked. We got to cockrings and he asked about one called a double helix so I explained that one ring went around the base of the penis while the other went around the scrotum. He replied “Oh that’s no good cause I don’t have one”. The guy had been in for a small surgical procedure and had caught a necrotising bug while in hospital which had eaten away the skin on his stomach and his crotch including his scrotum! He still had his penis and his testicles were unaffected but they’d had to be inserted into the insides of his thighs. Apparently he looked like a burns victim when naked and he was amazed that he’d met someone since then who didn’t mind his appearance so he wanted to be the best lover he could. Truly incredible guy. 13.
Back in the days of VHS rentals, I worked at a small porn shop. Every Sunday it was my job to run a report of all the overdue movies, and start making phone calls. I get halfway through the list and I hit this one guy who has a bunch of movies out and has already racked up a sizeable bill. I ring his number, and a sweet old lady answers the phone. I ask if John Doe is there, and she tells me that is her grandson and he’s out right now. So, I tell her he has a bunch of movies overdue and needs to bring them back and settle up. She innocently asks me “What movies does he have?” First one on the list: “Slamming Granny in the Fannie.” I hung up. 14.
I worked a porn movie and sex toy shack for about a year. There were promos for staff to try and sell higher end toys. If you sold a bunch you got a bonus. We all had different sales tactics. There was one super fancy vibrator I was hyping up. I had one (in the package) at the counter with a note saying “husband replacement unit.” An old dad came in to get a stack of rentals. (thus dating how long ago this was) Pops looked at the sign, took the toy, and placed it on the floor. Arms on his sides looking down at it. “Well, it doesn’t cut the fucking grass so I still have a job.” 15.
A woman came in who was very rough looking. She looked like the “after” on those meth warning pictures. I was watching her closely because I thought she might try to steal something. A guy came in and started talking to her. As they talked another person came in and asked me a few questions then bought something and left. I looked back over and saw that the guy and the rough looking woman were now fucking in the back corner of the store. I yelled at them and the guy took off and ran out of the store. The woman walked up to the counter, bare ass naked, and told me she was desperate for cock and told me she had met that guy on some phone chat line. She then asked if we had any “loaner” dildos. I told her no and that she needed to get dressed. She just walked out of the store completely naked. 16.
Had a guy come in and try to buy underage porn from me. He was certain I had “the good stuff” behind the counter. When I told him it was illegal and I wanted him to leave he started browsing, asking if we carried any gay porn where the guys looked really REALLY young. I called the police and they arrived while he was still browsing and arrested him. Turns out he was a registered sex offender. 17.
Countless people cumming all over the jack-sheds. It got to the point where if anyone asked for change for the booth I would offer them some paper towels and ask them not to spray everywhere. It never worked, they sprayed their spunk everywhere. 18.
A woman came in and complained for about 10 minutes because she had bought some cinnamon flavored lube and now complained that she put it on her ass during anal sex and caused her to have an “inflamed’ asshole. She wanted me to give her $500 for pain and suffering. She even felt the need to lift her skirt, drop her panties and show me said asshole. I told her to come back when the owner was here. She bitched that she couldn’t even sit down. 19.
I was 19 and worked at this shack looking sex shop. Sketch central of town and if I didn’t get free shit and paid to be there I wouldn’t be. One evening I’m working with my buddy and I can here him talking to a familiar voice. It was a voice I tried recalling but all I could recall was that it was someone of influence to me. Well I automatically hide thinking it might be my dad and well… it wasn’t. It was my youth pastor from church. We locked eyes, my stomach drops, he goes pale and nope’d the fuck out. 20.
Dude comes in drunk. We chat for a while, where he works, etc. Then grabs product and bolts. Except I knew where he worked. Probably a weird one for him when the popo showed up at his job for stealing dildos. 21.
I worked at a sex shop from 19-21 and it was interesting to say the least. We were open till midnight on the weekends and about 15 mins before closing this normal looking woman in a track suit comes in. She’s holding a leash with a diaper clad man on the end. What shocked me more than anything was the dude had sandals with socks on. I told the couple they had to leave because pant were required in order to shop. Guy turns beet red (I’m thinking getting humiliated is his thing) the lady smirks and off they go. I had so much fun at that job. 22.
Not me, but my girlfriend’s story. A customer came in and she said she never had an orgasm and she was told that some women just never have an orgasm. She didn’t buy anything besides condoms and then left. 2 days later she comes back in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend is in a big huff yelling, “TELL HER THAT SOME WOMEN JUST DON’T HAVE ORGASMS!” As he was throwing stuff around the room and talking about how his manhood was being insulted and how he was gonna show everyone in the shop how big he is. After he finally left, he peed all over my girlfriend’s car. 23.
I worked at multiple sex toy stores. One day a 19 year old comes in with his girlfriend and is immediately an asshole to me. He was making rude comments to me after each question I answered for him. Finally, he asked me what they should do to spice things up in the bedroom. I walked him over to the strap-ons and told him that he should get fucked. Sadly they did not buy a strap-on that evening. 24.
A friend of mine used to work at one of those stores with a “spank shed” and he tells a great story about a guy who sneaked in a huge piece of uncut bacon and fucked it in the porn booth. There was another guy who took his clothes off and harassed other customers in nothing but a cowboy hat and tube socks, he was also covered in lube. 25.
A guy came in and got change for one of the jack-sheds. These booths were in the back of the building through a doorway. A couple then came in and they were walking around browsing things, talking etc. They were near the door that led to the jack-sheds when that guy in the booth had an orgasm and screamed so loudly the guy in the couple jumped, but the girl screamed and fell to the floor. She then got up, humiliated and left. I could see the wet spot on the front of her jeans. The dude had came so loudly he caused a girl to pee her pants in terror.