Look — we’ve all done some pretty unsanitary things in our lives. I mean, one time while I was at a bar, I got a delicious, gooey tomato-soup-grilled-cheese at a food truck, sat down ready to dig in, and then dropped that sh*t on the floor. That same floor had been boot scooted and boogied on all night (month/decade), had drinks spilled everywhere, and I straight up shed one tear in distress. But you know what I did? I f*cking ate my tomato soup grilled cheese, bar floor grodies and all, because what’s a couple (billion) extra bacteria going to do?! And I wasn’t going to waste $11.
Thankfully, I’m still with us. But grilled cheeses that have fallen on a bar floor are just the tip of the disgusting iceberg when it comes to the devastatingly unsanitary. Now, I’m not trying to judge or point fingers, but I just can’t imagine what homie was thinking when he decided to cut off his big mole with a butcher’s knife and then cauterize it with a red hot butter knife. I get that before doctors and clean, sterile medical instruments, people had to wing that kind of sh*t. But that’s a perk of living in a day and age with modern medical miracle procedures and drugs!
Some people might think that going a** to mouth is one of the most disgusting things a person can do, but let’s be real — that sh*t is just a common Saturday night occurrence now. I’ll raise your tossed salad with going an entire year without showering at boarding school, a case of anal worms that were self-treated, and one iPhone that’s fallen into a porta potty and retrieved without a second thought. Yeah, people can be absolutely f*cking disgraceful when it comes to all things hygienic.
These 21 people did the most unsanitary things and it will make you want to vom:
1.
I was 12 and I had worms. Being far to embarrassed to tell my mom, I took it upon myself to find a cure using the internet! Warning! Do not use to internet to make new medical treatments! I found that there were certain foods that the worms couldn’t abide, and I had two of them, milk and garlic. With the memory of last night’s itching shenanigans and the prospect of have to endure more until the magic did it’s work I came up with a cunning plan. I mixed garlic paste into milk and sucked it into one of those children’s bath toys that squirt water. I then put the squirty end into my anus and squeezed. The only thing left to do was squirt out some garlic-milk farts in the shower then wait and see if it worked. That night I lay there and my anus puckered in joy. I had prevailed!
2.
One night, some friends and I went to IHOP after seeing a movie. Our waiter took forever to bring us our food (120+minutes) and there were partly empty plates and silverware all around us from previous customers. Finally the food arrive and low and behold, My buddy doesn’t have any silverware. What does this motherfucker do? He walks over to the next table and grabs a fork off of a plate, and sits back down. This thing is covered in dry syrup/pancake/egg mush that has by now dried on to the fork. He just looks up and puts it into his mouth and uses his lips to scrape that shit off and swallows it.
3.
This kid was passed out drunk. He was an asshole, no one (that was still awake) liked him, as he picked on people a lot. He worked out a lot, so he thought he could be as mean as he wanted. Well, as if turns out, he wasn’t so strong after 4 beers. He’s PTFO on the basement floor at this house party, when my little brother and I devise a terrible plan. Long story short, my brother takes a shit in a plastic bag, and I held open the kid’s sweatpants as he unloaded the contents of the plastic bag into the back of the bully’s pants. My brother pooped a kid’s pants via proxy.
4.
I cut off a mole on my arm with a butcher knife and had my roommate cauterize the wound with a butter knife he stuck on the stove.
5.
Drank the water in Africa. Was coming out of me from both ends for like 48 hours, I thought I was going to die.
Laura is a freelance writer for TFLN. She likes to write about what she knows best — dating, sex, and being awkward, but usually in the opposite order. She is the Assistant Editor and videographer for Peach Fuzz, a sex-positive nudie magazine in ATX.
