We all make mistakes from time to time, But just like everything else in this world, mistakes fall on an enormous spectrum. Some mistakes are human, others are unforgivable. Some result in harm to another person, others hurt only ourselves. Some are purely emotional, while others are physical.
This is the story of a mistake. A big mistake. Though this particular big mistake technically didn’t go down this week, it was finally recounted this week, which is what really matters. God bless the anonymity of the internet!
Told by Reddit user justafish25 on the ever-reliable subReddit “TIFU,” it features a dad penis, a bike pump, and that indescribable feeling when you know exactly what’s going to happen, and you know you can do nothing to stop it, and you are powerless to look away even though you may very much want to. Without further ado: “TIFU by trying to inflate my penis like a dick balloon.”
This fuck up took place 15 years ago when I was around 11 years old. I had recently seen my father’s penis for some reason as little boys often accidentally do. It got me thinking about how small my penis was. I decided I needed to do something about this. I did some google searching and somehow learned about penis pumps.
Now you know what I meant when I said, “you know exactly where this is going…”
Now, my 11 year old self didn’t really understand what this term meant. I however knew that I had a penis, which had a hole, and I had a pump. The pump I had, was a soccer ball pump. The ones with the little metal needle.
It only gets worse from here. You’ve been forewarned.
Well I examined my dick hole and determined it could accept this metal object. I stuck it in, it hurt a little bit. I decided the pain would be worth it. I pushed the pump handle down and pumped air in. It inflated my urethra like a little balloon.
Since I was 11, I was not an anatomy expert. The sensation gave me an erection, so I decided it must be working. I inflated again. It hurt a little this time, and now it felt like I had to pee. I wanted results though, and people always say “No pain, no game.” I pushed the handle down again. Now I really fucking had to pee.
What began as a simple desire to pump a penis full of air turned into a piss-soaked bathroom.
I removed the needle and hobbled off to bathroom. The sensation had given me a full on erection, the kind where it is hard to pee. However, I really fucking had to pee. I pushed super hard. No man other than me likely knows the feeling of farting piss out of their penis. I get to claim that I guess. The air mixed with urine created a sprinkler effect spraying piss everywhere as the air and pee mixture escaped violently. It really hurt my d*ckhole.
Amazingly the d*ckhole was not meant to rapidly expel air from a dick balloon. I can confirm now that if a woman blows into your penis during a blowjob, you will not die. Check mate weird middle school boy story tellers.
15 years later it still hurts when I pee occasionally. I am considering going to a urologist one day, however I am not sure how to address the issue. The last thing I would want to tell a medical doctor is the actual reason why my dick hurts every now and then.
Many of the befuddled commentators besieged justafish25 to go to a urologist.
A few doctors confirmed that they see some pretty weird sh*t on a daily basis.
[Oh if you’re unfamiliar with “sounding,” btw, Reddit user ReachFor24 provides a darn good rundown: “Sticking stuff, typically a metal rod or a silicone tube, down the urethra. Much more common for men to do it, but women do it too. People will build up diameters, getting thicker and thicker, stretching their urethra to surprisingly large diameters. Like an index finger can go all the way down. Why? Another part of the pain play fetish and maybe a fascination of ‘how big can I go.’”]
Actually, the thread simply dissolved into medical professionals and friends of medical professionals sharing their woeful “things stuck in places” tales:
So really the point of this story is, unless you tried to pump your dick up with a bike pump, or lost a vibrator behind your cervix, you’re doing just fine! Have a good weekend ?
