Sexual fantasies are deeply personal, intimate and (occasionally) inexplicable. However, you might be surprised to learn just how relatable your deepest sexual desires actually are.
Social psychologist Dr. Justin Lehmiller surveyed more than 4,000 Americans for his book Tell Me What You Want, which endeavors to explore the most pervasive sexual fantasies.
“Feeling abnormal or weird is one of the biggest things that holds people back and creates anxiety that is very disruptive to our sex lives,” Lehmiller told Sunday Times magazine. “I want to make it easier for people to have these conversations.”
So, what are the most common sexual fantasies? Well, according to Lehmiller’s findings, they’re as follows:
1. Multi-partner sex
89% of those surveyed admitted to fantasizing about threesomes (shocker) — so no, we’re not talking about Romanesque orgies or something. Men were more keen on having threesomes with two women (again, I’m having difficulty feigning surprise), while women weren’t terribly concerned with the gender of their threesome partners.
2. BDSM
I mean, in the 50 Shades of Grey era, this was only inevitable. 65% fantasized about incorporating pain and domination into their sexual experiences — from bondage, to spanking, to light choking. For the most part, people admitted that the main allure was in giving up control to their partner, regardless of the sexual act.
3. Changing the routine
This should be a no-brainer, but variety is the spice of both life — and sex.
Even if you’re engaging in fetish play on a regular basis, too much of a good thing can lead to a certain malaise in the bedroom, and switching it up is important. Apparently, a considerable number of those surveyed confessed that they simply wanted something different from whichever standard sexual experience to which they were accustomed. Whether that was new positions, new settings, or new “roles,” people generally desired a more varied sex life.
4. Sex in public
Okay, not exhibitionism — but close.
Apparently, some highly common sexual fantasies included sex in places where one was likely to get caught, such as the park, the elevator, or the workplace.
(Of course, everyone should be aware that if you choose to do this, you’re taking risks with the law/your job, so tread carefully.)
5. Non-monogamy
Fantasizing about non-monogamy doesn’t mean cheating on your partner. Rather, it involves either being in an open relationship or watching your partner engage in sex with other people. 79% and 65% of women were curious about allowing both themselves and their partners to have sex with other people, and admitted to fantasizing about it.
6. Being desired
Well, obviously.
The study found that what most people essentially crave out of a sexual encounter is the feeling of being wanted and desired (however trite this observation might sound). Many people confessed to fantasizing about emotion-driven sex in which they felt irresistible to their partner.
(Which, unfortunately, is a much more difficult and elusive request than wanting to try out handcuffs.)
7. Same-sex experimentation
In news that will not surprise proponents of the Kinsey Scale, 59% of straight women admitted to fantasizing about sex with a woman, while 26% of straight men fantasized about sex with other men.
Because hey, how can you knock it until you’ve tried it?