18.
Me: I’m going to be productive today
Also me, after running one errand: i deserve this 4 hour break
— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) September 23, 2018
17.
ME: I'm going to start really taking care of my body. Fruits, vegetables, ViTiMiNssss, I am going to FEEL good and LOOK good. No sugar. Maybe I'll go VEGAN. YES I will be a goddess I will GLOW with HEALTH
FREE OFFICE DOUGHNUTS: bitch u thought
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) June 28, 2018
16.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
— eriK (@ericsshadow) January 15, 2016
15.
“Purchase $81.24 OK?”
I mean it’s definitely not ok but I need it so like fuck me I guess— Jᴏʀᴅᴀɴ (@j_rdanle) October 3, 2018
14.
Me jumping into bed after a long day at work. ? pic.twitter.com/4IuW6LqeDG
— Trei Champion (@HaynesTrei) September 15, 2018
13.
my organs: please give us some water we are literally shriveling, please.
me: *removes frosé from freezer*— king crissle (@crissles) September 17, 2018
12.
if I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it's not that I lied it's just that I failed
— grandmother slime (@artyintheuk) August 29, 2018
11.
Single at 23: “I have to go out and meet someone!”
Single at 29: “If it’s meant to be the right person will find me in my home.”
— Allison Raskin (@AllisonRaskin) September 1, 2018
10.
Why talk about your feelings when you can listen to “Move Along” by The All-American Rejects 47 times in a row?
— Adrian R. (@adroidirl) October 24, 2018
9.
me: *knows hors d'oeuvres is pronounced "ordervs"*
also me: horse divorce
— jake (@squidslippers) October 17, 2018