Forget Fahrenheit 451. Forget Romeo and Juliet. Every child in every school should read these insane Twitter stories instead. Just imagine the book reports, the 500-word essays, and journal entries. If you haven’t caught up with this canon list, drop everything and rectify that now.
1.
One time my friend Brandon’s Dad and his mom were in a heated argument in the car and she took his kid rock cd out of the player and threw it out the window with rage and he looked her dead in the eyes and pulled out a second copy of that same cd and put it back in the player
— johnny utah (@clowndaddie) February 7, 2018
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Yesterday I stopped to pet a dog, and as the owner walked away I heard him say to her, “You see? Everybody loves you! And you don’t even love yourself!!!” and I’m going to be thinking about it for the next five years
— Liz Watson (@watsontots) March 5, 2018
4.
The mom I babysat for on NYE came home hammered as her husband did everything in his power to hold her up. She then proceeded to grab me, look deep into my eyes, and say “choose the nice guy. always choose the nice guy.” And that was the first thing I heard in 2018.
— abby walkush (@abbywalkush) January 1, 2018
5.
this guy was just sitting on the floor of the gym on his phone and he looks up at me and goes “my girl has my location shared and i promised her i was gonna go to the gym more so now i just sit here and watch netflix” LMAOOOOO
— kom? (@komalammm) January 22, 2018
6.
Just spotted a cat on someone’s porch, miaowing to be let in. Without thinking, I walked up to the door, rang the bell, nodded to the cat and left. It was only I rounded the corner I realised what I’d done as I heard the owner shouting FUCK ME SARAH THE CAT JUST RANG THE DOORBELL
— Philip Larkin (@philiplarkin) February 24, 2018
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a baby was staring at me in target so i started waving to her & she waved back & the mom whipped around & was like OMG & i was like oh sorry i was just waving to your baby & she was like THAT WAS THE 1ST TIME SHES WAVED & me & this mom SCREAMED in the store bc we were so excited
— taryn land (@tarynland) November 25, 2017
9.
So my brother texts me and says “guess what I done today” and proceeds to tell me he surprised his wife with 2 alpacas… and yes they’re riding in his minivan. Meet Rebel and Shenanigan. I can’t make this stuff up y’all. pic.twitter.com/vu2vlb6vyC
— Kacie (@KacieMalyn) January 3, 2018