dating

These 21 People Miraculously Survived The Worst One Night Stands

9.

Brought her home but she didn’t want sex but she wanted to grind while making out. Ended up with fabric burns on my dick and she stole my shorts. They were my favorite shorts.

10.

I walked halfway home off-campus before realizing I wasn’t gonna make it, so I rang the doorbell of a girl I knew, and passed out under her coffee table. Woke up naked in her bed the next morning and my dick looked like I fucked a cheese-grater.

11.

Girl who worked at one of those scalp massager kiosks at the mall… I know I watched her give me head, but I couldn’t feel anything, not even a generic hint of moisture. When we got down to it, she was too tight to fit inside with a condom on, so she suggested I took it off. 20 year old me thought that was a fantastic idea and went ahead. She was a screamer. Not loud moans, literal screaming. Finally managed to tune her out and concentrate, pulled out in time and finished. No more than 30 seconds later- “you should probably get tested, my boyfriend is still waiting on his results.” Took her home and never spoke to her again.

12.

Meet 7/10 at a frat party. Go back to her dorm. Around this time, all the shitty cheap beer starts to wreak havoc on my guts. I’m trying to let out all the farts I can as quietly as I can as we walk to her dorm. We arrive & sexy times ensue. She playfully tries putting a digit in my ass. I say something like, “Whoa… I ain’t into that, honey.” We continue. A few minutes later she tries again. “Hey, I f*cking said I wasn’t into that!” Semi awkward moment, but we continue. A few minutes later, she tries again & succeeds in shoving a whole finger in my b-hole. Beer shits explode out of my ass in a violent discharge of mostly liquid, hot frothy feces. Liquid shit on the walls, on the bed, on the sheets & all over her hand.

 

Written by Alex Cogen

Alex is a New Yorker currently living in Austin. She loves cats, grass, and latex but unfortunately is allergic to all 3. She makes mom and dad jokes more than she cares to admit (jk she'll admit it loud and proud). She isn't as funny as she thinks she is. She is the founder of thelazygurl.com.