Without dads, none of us would be here.
Literally, none of us – because, you know, somebody had to take your mom to pound town to make you, even if you loathe hearing (or even just thinking) about it.
…Sorry for that visual.
But you’re not the only thing that owes your existence to yo’ mamma’s number one boo-thang.
Because without dads, we also would’ve missed out on dad jokes, hideous ties, and approximately one million golf courses.
More importantly, we would’ve also missed out on these hilarious parenting fails. Here are 21 dads who are in way, way over their heads.
1. The dad who’s possibly the funniest parent on all of Twitter
My 3-year-old called her eyebrows "eye mustaches."
I was going to correct her, but instead I upgraded my vocabulary.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 17, 2016
3-year-old: *frantically pounds on the bathroom door while I'm in there*
Me: What?!
3: Do bees have hearts?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 16, 2016
3-year-old: *hands me a flower*
Me: Aw, thanks.
3: Just hold it for me. It's for Mom.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 15, 2016
It is 1,000 years in the future.
Archaeologists dig up my minivan.
All the metal has rusted away.
There are still Cheerios on the floor.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 14, 2016
My wife’s plans for the future:
1) 401(k)
2) college funds for the kids
3) savings for a rainy day
My plans:
1) Buy a teacup pig.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 13, 2016
My 5-year-old poured chocolate milk in her cereal.
I was going to yell at her, but I was too busy having my life changed forever.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 12, 2016
My toddler figured out the child lock on the candy drawer.
Now my options are a padlock or those hanging bags that hide food from bears.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 11, 2016
[reading my coffee mug]
5-year-old: That says "World's Best Dad."
Me: It sure does.
5: Does he know you borrowed it?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 10, 2016
[checking on the flowers]
3-year-old: I told all my friends at daycare we have planted pot.
Me: You mean potted plants.
3:
Oh God.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 10, 2016
Wife: Is breakfast ready yet?
Me: You can't rush home cooking.
Wife: You're making Pop-Tarts.
Me: I forgot to plug in the toaster.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 7, 2016
Me: You're standing on thin ice.
3-year-old: I'm standing on the floor.
Me: It's an expression.
3: It's carpet.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 5, 2016
Random lady in the grocery store: I only eat foods that are gluten-free, GMO-free, and chemical-free.
5-year-old: I only eat pizza.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 3, 2016
5-year-old: Does the dog belong to Mom?
Me: Technically, he's mine. I own him.
5: Well, Mom owns you.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 1, 2016
3-year-old: Did you brush the baby’s teeth?
Me: She doesn’t have any teeth.
3: You should have brushed them better.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 30, 2016
5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?
Me: I helped
5: How?
Me:
5:
Me: I read her the instructions
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2015
Me: Let's eat chicken nuggets.
[one kid cries]
Me: How about pizza?
[other kid cries]
Me: Spaghetti?
[both kids cry]
We have a winner.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2016
2. The dad who’s in for a real shock.
3. The father who’s no match for his daughters.
"Dad, did you bring your debit card…" #dadproblems
— Evan Salveson (@evansalveson) May 16, 2016
