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23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”

5.

My dad gave me “the talk” using Beavis and Butthead terminology. Stiffy, Schlong, knockers, etc… To this day I wish I’d taped that for when I got older.

6.

I got the talk at age 18, while I was driving my dad home from work which was half an hour away. He began by explaining to me how having sex with my girlfriend was a “sin” that I shouldn’t do unless I was married. So I’m sitting here driving on the freeway home having my dad talk at me about the horrors of sex, and how condoms won’t help. I’m slowly speeding up faster and faster trying to get home so by the time we got back home I was flying down the freeway at 90mph.

7.

My dad always gave me the most awkward and embarrassing advice while I was going through puberty. “Trim or shave your privates, son. It may seem like a waste of time, but it helps keep you clean. Plus the ladies love it. Ask your mother. When we first met, she always compared me to a smooth watermelon…” “Son, next time someone makes fun of your nose, just tell them it reflects the size of your penis. You do have a big penis right? It runs in the family. You definitely should. You don’t play with yourself too much do you?”

8.

I’m 21 and the only talk I ever received was my dad telling me “DO NOT GET PREGNANT” after he found out I had a boyfriend, and then following up with horror stories of women at his company who work janitorial jobs because of pregnancies early on in life.

Written by Irvi Torremoro

Irvi Torremoro is an Austinite by way of Las Vegas. She's worked in various outlets in food & beverage and is now focused on writing, eating all the things, talking about Beyonce, and petting all the puppies. She runs flavorandbounty.com, a lifestyle blog about people in the service industry.