23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”

13.

Closest thing I ever got to the talk was my dad sitting me down before I went to a party. He said, and I quote “Don’t be an idiot.”

14.

When I was about four, my mom’s pregnant friend was over and my mom told me that said friend has a “baby in her belly”. I somehow thought that meant that the baby was under her shirt and kept asking her to lift her shirt up and I got very frustrated and thought they were playing a joke on me.

15.

My mom caught me making my barbies have sex when I was pretty young and asked me if I wanted to talk about it. “NOPE!” And that was that.

16.

When I was 13 a friend and I were in CVS. We were both up to no good, looking for stuff to steal. So we come around the corner of some aisle and there’s a rack of condoms. A 6-pack of ultra thin into my pocket, a few sly moves and we’re out of there. We got away with it. But that wasn’t good enough for my friend. He wanted to get ribbed rather than the ultra thin, so we went back, retraced our steps, performed the same sly moves and walked out of the shop again. This time was different – a hand attached to a big security dude clamped down on both of our shoulders and we were caught. Dragged back to CVS and parents called. We’re lucky we didn’t get taken to juvenile detention. I got grounded for 3 months, but that wasn’t the hard part. The hard part was the sex talk that night, which consisted of basically the following from an Irish mother: “and what the hell do you need condoms for anyway, you’re too young to be having sex!” Most awkward moment of my f*cking life.

Written by Irvi Torremoro

Irvi Torremoro is an Austinite by way of Las Vegas. She's worked in various outlets in food & beverage and is now focused on writing, eating all the things, talking about Beyonce, and petting all the puppies. She runs flavorandbounty.com, a lifestyle blog about people in the service industry.