I’ve got a confession to make – I don’t know how to ride a bicycle. Yes, I’m in my late twenties and still don’t know how to do this simple task that I should have learned from childhood. My dad tried to take my Big Wheel away and give me a white and pink bike with training wheels and I f*cking refused. The cute little basket and streamers coming out of the handles couldn’t convince me to give up my beloved Big Wheel.
So, I never learned how to ride a bike and I recycle the resolution of “finally learning to ride a bike” every year. It’s absurd, I know but I just really enjoyed my Big Wheel way more than anything else in the world. Adults surprisingly have a lot to learn, even though kids think we’ve got it all figured out.
Adulting is hard to do, especially when you can’t remember how to f*cking tell time on an analog clock or how to swim. Yes, there are actual people that can’t do those things. There’s such thing as YouTube and the internet that can help you learn how to do all the things, people. As for me, I’ll probably still recycle that New Year’s resolution every year but that’s my choice, so let me live my life.
These 25 clueless adults still don’t know how to do these simple things:
1.
My exbf. Bananas. I came home with fruit (parents also not good with encouraging a healthy diet), and handed him one. He bit into the skin. Looked confused. Saw me looking at him oddly. I had to show a 21 year old man how to open a banana. He had eaten them many times before, and had never been shown/asked to peel his own.
2.
My mom can’t remember whether blue or red is associated with hot or cold. When she’s in the car and wants to turn on the AC, she just randomly sets the dial to one side or the other and waits for the air to come on to see whether she’s right or not.
3.
My girlfriend in college didn’t know how to boil water. I explained how easy it was (water goes into pot, pot goes on stove, turn on the stove) and she did it, then left the pot there for four hours waiting for the water to “finish boiling”. Of course all of the water evaporated, she completely burned the sh*t out of the pot, and then started to panic and cry because she didn’t know how to turn the stove off.
4.
I’ve met more than one person who doesn’t get fire alarms. When my husband and I first got an apartment together, we were cooking and we burned something; the smoke caused the smoke alarm to start beeping. Instead of opening the window to let the smoke out (like a normal person), he calmly walked to the door and began putting on his shoes to go outside and wait for the fire department to come – because he thought that when the smoke alarm goes off, that’s what you do. After all, why else would we have gone through all those fire drills in elementary school?
Irvi Torremoro is an Austinite by way of Las Vegas. She's worked in various outlets in food & beverage and is now focused on writing, eating all the things, talking about Beyonce, and petting all the puppies. She runs flavorandbounty.com, a lifestyle blog about people in the service industry.
