Drugs are a hell of an invention — they make us feel better when we’re in pain, they take us to existential new levels of consciousness, and they make us say some of the most hilarious, ridiculous, and downright LOL-worthy things ever while we’re sitting high as a kite. Shouts out to all of the nurses who have to deal with our f*cked up antics.
If you’ve ever gotten the goofy juice when getting your wisdom teeth out, then you know the feeling of waking up groggy, buzzed, and ready for your stand up comedy routine. The only thing is — the nurses, doctors, and your mom are a tough crowd. So when you’re giving your best Seinfeld impression or hitting on the lamp that’s sitting in the corner of the outpatient room, just know that you’re giving one hell of a show.
Doctors, nurses, and dentists have a tough job, so when there’s even just the slightest reprieve from stress — i.e. you making a fool of yourself while shouting incoherent Nicki Minaj lyrics with a mouthful of gauze in your mouth — they can go home a bit happier and then make fun of you for being whacked out on painkillers to their entire family.
These are 27 of the most hilarious and ridiculous things that drugged out patients have ever spoken:
1.
“I feel like I got hit by a train!” Guy actually got hit by a fucking train.
2.
I took care of an 11 year old boy in the ER a little while back. I gave him ketamine for a fracture reduction, or in other words setting and splinting of a broken bone. As he was coming around he started with typical stream of consciousness babbling and then he seemed to snap awake to say “I’m fuckin liiiiiit I’m gonna do so many drugs when I get older” to the amusement of his parents. They thought it was funny and cute but I’m pretty sure I created a monster.
3.
Surgeon here. Was doing varicose veins surgery on a very posh middle aged lady. Very cut class accent. There was an anaesthetic that we used that sometimes induced some hallucinations either going under or coming out of anaesthesia and heard some funny things. Anyway this lady was in recovery just coming out of the anaesthetic. The team were around waiting for her to wake up and gag a little on the tube in her throat (for breathing) so we knew it was time to remove it. She gagged, we removed the tube, she smacked her lips and said loudly, in her incredible accent: ‘That’s the best bit of cock I have had in years!’ The whole recovery room just fell about laughing. Luckily she didn’t remember it.
4.
My dad had been given the goofy juice and was about to be wheeled into surgery. He looks at the anesthesiologist and asks, “Will the nurses have big titties?” My mom and his mom were in the room, laughing hysterically. The anesthesiologist chuckled and said “Okay yeah, you’re ready for surgery.”
5.
When I woke from having my wisdom teeth removed, I asked the nurse to take me to the beach and release me back into the ocean so I could be with my people. She kept refusing, so I started accusing her of fiddling with me whilst I was asleep. I ended up getting moved to a different recovery area, where I was then asked to be quiet because I thought I was listening to Nicki Minaj, but in fact it was just me slaughtering the lyrics to an imaginary beat.
6.
While having dental work done under the influence of laughing gas, I (female, mid-teens at the time) tried very hard to flirt with the (also female, married) dentist. I was not in any way subtle. She was not at all amused… awkward.
Laura is a freelance writer for TFLN. She likes to write about what she knows best — dating, sex, and being awkward, but usually in the opposite order. She is the Assistant Editor and videographer for Peach Fuzz, a sex-positive nudie magazine in ATX.
