17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court

Image via Giphy
Image via Giphy

I OBJECT! .. to stupid people. Like, just go away and stop already PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

If you’ve watched showed like Judge Judy, you know that there are a lot of dumb people that end up in court. It makes sense, I mean, they’re either stupid enough to commit a ridiculous crime, or stupid enough to get caught. But even in the presence of lawyers, these people still can’t seem to come up with reasonable defenses in court.

Seriously, some people use the absolutely worst defenses imaginable. Why someone would defend himself in a rape cause by saying he slipped or fell in a V or B completely baffles me. But then again, rape completely baffles me in the first place (PEOPLE SUCK).

ANYWAYS, want to see some crazy dumb defenses? Look no further. These are the 17 dumbest courtroom defenses imaginable. And, somehow, some of these idiots managed to get off. Seriously, our court system is a tad f*cked. But that’s another topic for another time.

The 17 dumbest defenses heard in court:


One dude was charged for indecent exposure for getting drunk and running around flashing his junk. His defense was that he thought he couldn’t have shown anything because his penis is too small for anyone to actually be able to see it.


The guy who groped Taylor Swift had a pretty tragic defense: “Why wasn’t the front of your skirt disturbed when my client allegedly groped your ass?” “Because my ass is on the back of my body.”


Someone was arrested because he was believed to be in ISIS, and his lawyer argued that he’s not really in ISIS, he was just pretending so he could get laid.


Woman is suing man for stalking/sexually harassing her and threatening her family. Except that she was the one doing all that. She was sending him naked pics, videos, texts telling him what she wanted to do to him, showing up at his family’s place telling them that she was pregnant, faking a pregnancy test and test results that said she was pregnant. Her defense? At first it was that she didn’t do any of those things and that it was all lie created by him and that he must have gotten access to her number and cellphone from the carrier. Then later on, when she finally decided to stop acting like an idiot, she said that she didn’t know the messages would be saved on his phone. She had an iPhone and this was before messages were automatically deleted after a period of time.

Written by Alex Cogen

Alex is a New Yorker currently living in Austin. She loves cats, grass, and latex but unfortunately is allergic to all 3. She makes mom and dad jokes more than she cares to admit (jk she'll admit it loud and proud). She isn't as funny as she thinks she is. She is the founder of