entertainment

17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court

5.

I represented a guy who was trying to bring an age-discrimination case against his former employer, only his case was complete garbage — he got fired because he got into a fistfight with the manager. Also the guy was completely fucking stupid. For the record, the complaint was filed before I joined the firm and I had nothing to do with it. After a predictably-lousy deposition, he calls the office and says he wants to meet because he has information that will save his case. I am dubious, but I say ok. He shows up at the office with his wife. They hand me a piece of notebook paper with a sentence scribbled on it: “the owner of the company and his wife are cousins.” I look up after reading, and the wife gives me a Solomonic nod.

6.

Guy turning left waited for the light to turn red (no arrow, legal here) before turning left. A woman ran the light & crashed into him, pushing him into several other cars. The woman claims the light was green & that the guy ran the light. But get this: her own dashcam disproves that the light was green for her, & traffic cameras prove that she ran the light. Her defense: “I can’t tell the difference between red & green.” She said she was “red/green colorblind” & that she can only see the difference sometimes, so it wasn’t her fault. She further went to explain that the man she hit should have known this because she wasn’t stopping, so he should have thought “hey, I bet she can’t tell the difference between green & red & I should probably just go ahead.”

7.

I witnessed a defense attorney make the argument during opening arguments that his client could not have raped his wife’s kids, because he has medical documentation that will prove that he receives erectile dysfunction medication from his doctor. That’s right, this guy can’t get it up for his wife, how could he possibly be able to get an erection for little kids? What possible reason could there be for a man to not be attracted to his wife, but to be attracted to kids? Well, that’s impossible! He lost the case, obviously. I often cite that argument to people as one of my funniest moments as a prosecutor, if slightly dark.

Written by Alex Cogen

Alex is a New Yorker currently living in Austin. She loves cats, grass, and latex but unfortunately is allergic to all 3. She makes mom and dad jokes more than she cares to admit (jk she'll admit it loud and proud). She isn't as funny as she thinks she is. She is the founder of thelazygurl.com.