entertainment

17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court

14.

Hands down, Sovereign Citizens. I’m never entirely clear what the defense is, though. One time a guy claimed he was a boat (his argument was that the United States didn’t exist, therefore he should be considered a vessel in International waters) and signed a contract in international waters so admiralty laws applied. Another argued the reason he didn’t make a single payment on his car loan was because banks don’t have the authority to lend money. He signed the answer to that complaint in blood. Others have claimed a “reservation of rights” under the UCC or something. Lots of diagonal writing, last names in quotes, postage stamps affixed to documents, etc. I have fun with them, though.

15.

There was a guy charged with aggravated battery and assault with a deadly weapon that was claiming he used a garrote on a guy in self defense. You know, because being in position to strangle someone from behind with a garrote that you happened to have on you screams victim.

16.

Someone watches too much Game of Thrones because I read in the news that there was a guy who went to court and requested trial by combat.

17.

There was once a rape case with a really wealthy older man and an 18 year old girl. She was apparently sleeping on his couch and woke up to him kissing her and raping her. His defense in court was that he was walking past her naked after having sex with someone else and “slipped.” Somehow this guy got acquitted.

Written by Alex Cogen

Alex is a New Yorker currently living in Austin. She loves cats, grass, and latex but unfortunately is allergic to all 3. She makes mom and dad jokes more than she cares to admit (jk she'll admit it loud and proud). She isn't as funny as she thinks she is. She is the founder of thelazygurl.com.