Long days at the pool are what summer’s all about. Pack up the essentials: towels, sunscreen, a good read, water, and hit the ground running (but make sure not to run around the perimeter of the pool, that’s not allowed). While kids, families, and friends enjoy the cool pool time, lifeguards are out here making sure the day is going well and ready to jump in when there’s a problem that’s afloat.
These guarders of the pool have been through a lot and have seen an array of things from their stand. They sit up there with their floaties and whistles, ready to take on whatever happens during a hot, summer day. Kids need to be wrangled up and kept in check, make sure no one drowns, keep an eye out for rough housing or party fouls, and keep everyone safe, overall.
They have seen some sh*t, too. Like, literal sh*t and pee whenever someone can’t hold it in the water. It happens, believe me, there’s plenty of stories where not only kids but grown adults don’t know how to control their bowel movements and can’t make it to the restrooms before letting go. Not only do lifeguards save lives, they also have seen some pretty disgusting things that patrons have done.
These lifeguards share some unbelievable stories:
1.
I worked for a while at my city’s biggest indoor pool. It had a hot tub/spa pool in the main area. We ended up having to call the fire department to take one of the jets apart because a man (about in his 40s) decided it would be a good idea to stick his penis in the jet and f*ck it. He got stuck.
2.
My ex worked at a waterpark at an amusement park. Some woman about Bertha’s size went to go down the slide. After my ex informed her that it is a safety hazard (the tubes were narrow and crossed over each other) for her to use the slide, she goes “I don’t give a sh*t white boy!” and snatched a tube from a random child. She proceeds to run Pamela Anderson style toward the tube as he tries to stop her, but she knocks him down and down the slide she goes screaming “B*tch too bad!!” My ex starts shouting “Evacuate the landing pool!” The lifeguard watching the pool heard the wrath and saw the tube shaking so she starts grabbing children and parents started joining in also. Then there was Bertha, flying out and making splash so huge, it put the wavepool to shame. She gets up and says “This is how us thick chicks do it”
3.
I had to save a grown man once from the deep-end. I’m a 115lbs girl. He was about 6′ 190. When I asked him what the f*ck he thought he was doing, he said “I didn’t remember if I could swim”
4.
In my first 5 minutes on stand, a kid pees herself on the stairs and leaves a giant dark yellow cloud by her feet in the pool, which was utterly disgusting. Of course, she starts trying to spread it out nonchalantly like nothing happened while a bunch of other kids swim around. Myself and the other 2 guards that could see it were absolutely mortified but there wasn’t a whole lot we could do about it besides get everyone out. Then a bunch of kids were running over soaking wet cement even with 4 guards yelling at them to stop.
Irvi Torremoro is an Austinite by way of Las Vegas. She's worked in various outlets in food & beverage and is now focused on writing, eating all the things, talking about Beyonce, and petting all the puppies. She runs flavorandbounty.com, a lifestyle blog about people in the service industry.
