Poppin’ wood, having your lil soldier stand at attention, pitching a tent — that’s right, y’all — we’re here to talk about BONERS. I mean, who doesn’t love a good awkward boner story. As a woman without a penis, I can barely begin to understand what a boner feels like, how convenient/inconvenient they can be, and why they always seem to (literally) pop up in the most random of times. According to the internet, these random boners are called NARBs, or “no apparent reason boners.” Hey — the more you know!
Maybe most of your awkward boner stories happened in middle school when hormones are running wild and you never know when a sudden chub could come on. Thankfully, you had binders and excuses for days as to why you couldn’t come up to the front of the class to answer the equation on the chalkboard. “Umm…. my legs are numb. I forgot how to walk. Give me a 0.” You know, the usual.
But sometimes awkward boners strike outside of the 8th grade and into adulthood. Lucky you! You were just trying to be a mature and responsible adult when you went to the doctor to get your balls checked. Next thing you know — doc has a handful of your pulsating member all up in their grill. Of course, they say it’s no big deal, but you know she’s going straight to the doctor water cooler to laugh about the bro who almost came on her cool white coat.
So whether you’re at swim practice in a tiny little speedo or hastily trying to shove your erection back in your boxers after your mom opens the door to your room to drop off laundry while you and bae hook up — boners are a part of life. I love a good boner! They make me orgasm and they’re fun to talk into like mic (sorry boyfriend). Don’t get too down on yourself for popping boners at inopportune times because one day, you might be poppin’ a little blue pill to feel like the good ole days.