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21 Married Couples Confess What Their Wedding Night Was Really Like

Image via Tenor
Image via Tenor

The wedding night is supposed to be one of the most important aspects of your wedding. It’s all about that moment when you’re finally alone as a married couple for the first time. If you haven’t banged before, then it’s an even bigger deal, and if you have, the sex should still be epicly mind-blowing.

So you anticipate the works: flowers, candles, lube.. you know, the usual. But you can’t always plan a moment to be perfect, and sometimes the wedding night isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Sure, there are wedding nights that live up to the hype, but then there are others that go from “eh” to “good god let’s wipe that from our memory.”

The following 21 married couples experienced a wide array of wedding nights. From beyond your wildest dreams to pure terror, they show that you seriously can’t plan the perfect night, and sometimes things just happen and you can’t control sh*t. Best to keep it simple and hope for the best.

These 21 married couples confess what their wedding night was really like:


1.

Got drunk at the after-party and eventually, somehow, fell into bed. New wife jumped on top of me expecting marital sexy times… a bout of nausea immediately hit me, I screamed “Get the fuck off me!”, pushed her off the bed and ran, puking all the way to the bathroom.

2.

My wife was literally crying because I was taking too long to undo the 800 buttons on the back of her dress that was now hurting her shoulders too much to wear. Then she cried as I pulled out the 8000 hair pins for her hair. A few strands of hair and 30 minutes later we attempted sex, both decided we were tired and said, fuck it, went to bed cuddling. 10/10 would do again. Love that woman

3.

Terrible. We got back to the hotel, I carried her across the threshold, and we began to consummate our vows. Moments after we started, there’s a knock at the door. It’s my mom. She then said we should both come down and visit with the family. Not preferred.

4.

No sex. Basement of my aunt and uncles house with my parents upstairs as we all hunkered down in a hurricane. If you can avoid getting married as a hurricane barrels down on you I would recommend it. P.s. It’s hard to save wedding cake when the power goes out for a week and a half, but do definitely have your storm professionally catered, all the food is nice when the roads are closed or missing.
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Written by Alex Cogen

Alex is a New Yorker currently living in Austin. She loves cats, grass, and latex but unfortunately is allergic to all 3. She makes mom and dad jokes more than she cares to admit (jk she'll admit it loud and proud). She isn't as funny as she thinks she is. She is the founder of thelazygurl.com.