21 Married Couples Confess What Their Wedding Night Was Really Like

5.

We had Chicago style pizza and fucked in a hotel room.

6.

We had a jacuzzi tub, we slip in & something falls in the water. It’s red wasp. I scoop him out & kill him. I hop back in the tub & another wasp falls down. I hop up & check out the source of the problem. The window opens at the top & the bottom, & the top is slightly open, & on the other side of that opening is red wasp city. The warm steam started waking them up. Tried closing the window, was getting stung & smashing them. With a final effort I force the window closed. Somehow I had a rage/fear/pain boner that could have hammered nails. I fucked her right there, amongst the corpses of the wasps, and she came so loud we had a noise complaint.

7.

She sat on the floor in front of me. We watched TV while I took the 6,000 hairpins out of her hair. It was a horrible game of pick up sticks as they were all intertwined. After that we crashed.

8.

We got married & being rather broke newlyweds, we didn’t really have a plan for the “after”. We had been living together for about 8 months & my new husband had to be back at his brand-new job on Monday so we figured we’d just go back to the apartment and have sex. My mother-in-law’s friend got wind of this and got us a swanky hotel room overlooking Niagara Falls and dinner at a steakhouse. So we got pretty tipsy at dinner, tipsy again at the hotel lounge, and stumbled out of the elevator into our room. The fireworks started at 9pm and I almost missed them because I was sobbing, “I’m so happy.” Then we had knock-your-socks-off, throat-made-raw screamingly amazing sex before passing out by 10pm.

Written by Alex Cogen

Alex is a New Yorker currently living in Austin. She loves cats, grass, and latex but unfortunately is allergic to all 3. She makes mom and dad jokes more than she cares to admit (jk she'll admit it loud and proud). She isn't as funny as she thinks she is. She is the founder of thelazygurl.com.