When two (or three or five or — okay, chill the f*ck out, y’all) people decide to bump uglies, the expectation is for smooth R&B jams to ease the foreplay in, for no one to fumble around looking for holes or pleasure points or knock their teeth together, and that everyone involved will orgasm and high five after the boinking has finished. What a wonderful world that would be, right?
But listen up, folks — the world (and most sex) doesn’t work like that. Sometimes, you don’t even have another person to get freaky with so you end up getting hella freaky with yourself. And there ain’t no shame in that game. My right hand has gotten me through quite the lonely winter of 2015. But when sex acts go wrong, they can go REALLY wrong. And I’m not just talking about that time you wrapped a fruit roll-up around your boyfriend’s d*ck and tried to suck it off. No — I’m talking about the cringeworthy moments that make you wince in shame.
Maybe it was that time you came super hard when the urologist was doing an exam on your junk. That was literally the most action you’d gotten in a year, and you never even got his first name. Sorry, Doc! Or perhaps it was the time you had sex with a bro when you had a little bit of a stomach bug and accidentally sh*t all over his dick when he thrust too hard. Never trust a fart, y’all. Never.