entertainment

These 25 Pets Are Dicks

5.

I have a rabbit named Commander Bun Bun. I recently moved, so I was unpacking my things. I made the mistake of leaving him out of his cage while I unpacked the stuff for my bedroom. I have a stuffed cat that I’ve had since I was a kid. It’s a little beat up, but it’s very sentimental. I took it out of the box and set him on the floor while I put a blanket away in the closet. Apparently Bun decided that the stuffed cat was extremely sexy and, being the natural horn dog he is, he decided to do the deed. He mounted it, speed humped it for 10 seconds, jizzed all over it, and ripped its head off. I was between laughing and crying for hours.

6.

Being a d*ck is a lifestyle choice, and my Basset Hound Ralph holds the trophy. He only wants to play when I’m getting changed, as soon as my clothes come off he jumps up at my penis and scratches my entire body with his claws and tries to bite the ol’ johnson. If he needs to go out rather than just asking he backs up across the room then sprints at the door and just slams into it.

7.

My cat discovered that BITING MY FACE is a sure way to wake me up. To be fair, her logic is impeccable: I either wake up and feed her, or I’m dead and she can continue chewing. This is how she lost bedroom privileges.

8.

We had a basset growing up, her name was Rosie. She was a Dumber McDumbstein, but somehow taught herself to open the refrigerator with her snout. She once stole two venison sausages, ate them both. Sat at her water bowl for a solid hour due to the sodium, then laid around all bloated and gassy for the rest of the day. After that, we had to rig up the fridge door with velcro to keep her out.

Written by Irvi Torremoro

Irvi Torremoro is an Austinite by way of Las Vegas. She's worked in various outlets in food & beverage and is now focused on writing, eating all the things, talking about Beyonce, and petting all the puppies. She runs flavorandbounty.com, a lifestyle blog about people in the service industry.