Waiters have to deal with an inordinate amount of sh*t on a daily basis. Middle aged cougars drinkin’ their pinot Grigio while yelling at you because you didn’t bring their side order of non-fat aioli? Check. Kids kicking and screaming and throwing rice all over the floor while you idly watch on with a smile thinking about wanting to kill yourself? You bet. Overhearing some of the most f*cked up sh*t from a table of bros talking about how they want to rail the waitress in the bum? Yep — they’re talking about you!
Waiters sure as hell don’t get paid enough to deal with the plethora of idiots and miscreants and entitled a**holes that they come across, but at least they can go home with some pretty entertaining and ruthless stories. I’m looking at you parents who brought their kid to the restaurant in order to tell them about your divorce.
So the next time you go out to eat, try to be a decent human being (who tips!) because you never know when the waiter has been having the worst day ever. And the worst day for them is miles below your level of tolerance. I promise you. Don’t be the woman who’s screaming at her stepdaughter not to order the baked potato because she’s fat shaming her. And definitely don’t be the dude who talks openly about boinking the waitstaff. Just don’t.
These 25 waiters overheard the most f*cked up things at their tables:
1.
In a Witherspoons and there was a slight lull in the Friday night noise and a buddy and I overheard a girl say “Well technically he isn’t my brother so I shagged him” to which her friend replied “But you have the same Dad.”
2.
I was delivering food to a large table that looked like they were on a family reunion vacation when I overheard a grandpa asking one of the younger (12 or 13?) grandchildren if he they had fun that day. The kid responded with “Fuck you grandpa I can’t wait until you die.” I almost dropped all the plates in shock.
3.
Had a guy confess to banging his SO’s sister when I brought their drinks to them. It was an anniversary. I guess he thought it would be the least likely place for her to cause a scene. She caused a scene.
4.
I overheard a customer talking about someone “coming and being so much fun.” I assumed she was pregnant because she seemed to be showing a bit. I decided mid way through the dinner to congratulate her on being pregnant. To my horror she said “I am not pregnant”. I felt horrible. I told my manager who comped their meals and I hid in the back for the rest of their dinner. Push comes to shove she refused to let the manager comp her meal and left me a $20 tip with a note that said “I was kidding I’m due in July.”
5.
We had a couple who would come in regularly and always asked to be seated in my coworker’s section. They were probably in their 60s and were always really affectionate and cute with each other. My coworker would joke around with them all the time. One day the man came in with a different woman than usual, and my coworker jokingly told him “ooooh, you’re in trouble. I’m going to tell your wife you were here with another woman.” Woman said “Excuse me? I am his wife. Who the fuck has he been coming here with?” Dead awkward silence while she death-glares at her extremely uncomfortable-looking husband. My coworker just turned around and walked away.
Laura is a freelance writer for TFLN. She likes to write about what she knows best — dating, sex, and being awkward, but usually in the opposite order. She is the Assistant Editor and videographer for Peach Fuzz, a sex-positive nudie magazine in ATX.
