in

39 Dirty Texts About The Crazy Ways People Get Themselves Off

Flicking the bean, slapping the salami, tootin’ the ole horn, flogging the log, polishing the pearl — everyone loves to masturbate. And if you say you don’t, well, I don’t f*cking believe you.

Masturbating is humanity’s favorite past time. I mean, there’s a reason our hands perfectly reach our nether regions. We evolved into some horny motherf*ckers, and when we can’t find anyone else to boink us, our hands (or electric toothbrush, or zucchini, or Fleshlight, or blow-up doll) will do just fine.

You can do it when you’re horny, when you’re happy, when you’re depressed, or when you’re drunk and eating Taco Bell in bed — except you’re saucing a different kind of taco. Yes, masturbation knows no bounds.

These texts show the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to gettin’ down on yourself:


1.

image-1481068368-1

2.

image-1481068368-2

3.

image-1481068368-3

4.

image-1481068368-4

5.

image-1481068368-5

Written by Laura McNairy

Laura is a freelance writer for TFLN. She likes to write about what she knows best — dating, sex, and being awkward, but usually in the opposite order. She is the Assistant Editor and videographer for Peach Fuzz, a sex-positive nudie magazine in ATX.