You’re probably familiar with the “millennials ruined X” trope, with X usually equaling something ridiculous, like diamonds or going to Applebee’s. Well, apparently millennials are also destroying a time-honored tradition: Hooters. Yes, the ancient institution where you can get mediocre wings and women in tight tank tops who pretend to like you. I guess younger people just aren’t as into boobs as the Greatest Generation was.
According to Complex, Hooters locations dropped 7 percent between 2012 and 2016. Breasts just don’t sell! Even Pornhub has seen a dip in the number of searches for “breasts” amongst people between the ages of 18 to 24, whereas those between 55 and 64 are 19 percent more likely to search for boobage. Tragic that they’re not also keeping their favorite local Hooters open with their patronage. Many have commented that making the loss of Hooters franchises across the country a tragedy is pretty ridiculous, like popular Twitter personality @KrangTNelson:
Twitter user @Beehivesy was reading the replies to Mr. Krang when she noted one particular guy calling himself Eric Adam Hovis responding with his ideas of how Hooters could be improved to a millennial man such as himself. She found this dude’s response so telling, she screenshot all of them and compiled them into a tweet asking, “are men…….. okay.” After reading these, you’ll know that the answer is emphatically no.
First of all, Eric Adam Hovis wants the look of the Hooters waitress to change. He writes:
For me to be excited about Hooters, there would need to be changes. 1)I’m not a huge fan of the barbie look – bottle blonde, big boobs, scorching tans. 2)I wouldn’t be there to LOOK at you, but to TALK with you. A place to eat and chat with good conversationalists? Sign me up.
So it would be a place to have conversations and debates with smart/pretty women while eating food. There could be “debate nights” where wings are free or something. There could be activities rooms where people play pool or video games. I think I’m thinking of a geisha place.
A Geisha place?! Help!
Hovis seems to think that not wanting women with big boobs makes him into an intellectual, but bringing up a weirdly fetishistic reference to geishas is very cool.
He then says that it’s important to have some “specialized setup for the guys who just want to therapeutically vent their woes to women.” There actually is something out there like this, it’s called therapy and it’s considerably more expensive than a plate of wings. But Hovis doesn’t want to pay, because he goes on to say these services would have to be “SUPER CHEAP” because millennials are “BROKE.”
He finishes this off by saying, “So for me as a millennial to be excited about Hooters it would need to be a fundamentally different experience that, instead of relying on a superficial novelty, instead cultivates meaningful human interactions in a world increasingly isolated by convenience and technology.”
Can I buy…a friendship?
If you’re worried about folks dunking on this guy, it should be noted that he also wrote up his response in a blog post, so he is clearly proud of his concepts.
The tweet from @Beehivesy blew up, and she followed it with some statements about how men will talk about sex work, and then the demands they make of women in other lines of work:
If you want a woman to come and go and your beck and call, listen to your problems and feed you chicken, you better be paying her A LOT, basically. For some, no amount of money would get them to cater to these sorts of demands:
A few people pointed out that what this guy is asking for is so bad because we have such a cultural stigma around both mental health and sex work. He won’t admit that what he wants is therapy, nor is he willing to pay for a sex worker, which is sort of the other half of the issue. Servers are not sex workers, but a lot of sex workers spend more time listening and pretending to care than you’d think.
But hopefully no one would agree to work “debate night,” which sounds like literal hell on earth:
Millennials don’t need Hooters. They need health care, so they can talk to someone about their issues and then buy some wings afterwards.