A story recently shared by a
straight psychopath bride named ‘Penny’ on Australian website Whimn takes the notion of The Bridezilla to villainous, never-before-seen heights. This isn’t your average case of insane wedding rules or astronomically-priced gift requirements. Oh, no.
Penny, jacking her devious plot straight from a Mean Girls plot line, secretly fattened up her bridesmaids so they’d look heavier than her on the day of her wedding. Except in this case, her bridesmaids also happened to be her sisters. And they all happened lived in the same house, along with Penny’s fiancé.
“My sisters and I have always been competitive with each other. I’m the second of three girls and we’re all super close. Except when we drive each other nuts and then we can’t stand each other.
That never lasts long though because I don’t think we could live without each other. Women with sisters will understand what I mean. We all live together, along with my fiancé Richie. When I announced we were getting married, it was my sisters I told first, and we immediately began planning.”
Penny goes on to explain how much she’s always wanted to get married and how becoming engaged quickly brought out her inner bridezilla.
“It was exciting, but having your fiancé and bridesmaids all in the one house means things can get intense. I’ve been planning my wedding since I knew what a bride was, and I knew I would get a little bridezilla-ish but this wedding-focused atmosphere may have sent me into the stratosphere. I started obsessing about every tiny detail and it was pretty much all I spoke about.”
She describes her sisters, claiming one was “deadset jealous” and the other “never wants to get married.”
“My eldest sister Maggie has always been the disciplined and serious one. She’s a high school music teacher and everyone loves her. She’s always had this air of smug about her, like she’s got the world figured out. She was deadset jealous that I was getting married before her, I could tell.
My younger sister Charlie is fun and flirty. All guys fall in love with her but she complains that they don’t take her seriously. She’s an artist and children’s book illustrator who works from home. She says she never wants to get married.”
Penny then self-pityingly writes about how her sisters were always cool and hot, whereas she was the “Jan Brady in the middle.”
“Both of my sisters are gorgeous. I mean, stunning. I always felt like Jan Brady in the middle – I wasn’t as hot and popular as my older sister and I wasn’t as cute and fun as my younger sister. I was just Penny in the middle. But I found a man who loved me for me and I couldn’t be happier.”
She began obsessing over the idea that her sisters would outshine her in her own wedding photos—an infinite visual reminder of her “plain” appearance.
“With all the planning, and after meeting with the photographer and discussing dresses with my sisters, I started to think about what my wedding photos were going to look like.
Well, probably the more correct statement would be that I started to obsess over them. These are going to be on display in my home forever – I don’t want to be reminded until my last day on earth that I was the plain sister.”
“So I did what any bridezilla would do,” writes Penny, before proceeding to do what no bridezilla has ever done before.
First, Penny made her sisters wear ugly dresses. Pretty standard bridezilla maneuver.
“I set about making sure my sisters looked as ordinary as possible on my big day – well, as much as I could without being totally obvious about it. We’re all fair-skinned and blonde, and I demanded that the bridesmaid dresses wore a neon yellow that made them look washed out and slightly ill.
I told them I was going for a fun, party look but I was thrilled that colour made them both look pallid.”
Then she made them drink daily “special slimming smoothies,” which were not diet drinks at all but calorie-dense monsters made with “a mega-weight gain protein powder.” Evil and illegal.
“But by far the worst thing I did was to fatten up my sisters in the months leading up to the wedding. Every morning I was a picture of sunshine and morning glow as I insisted on making breakfast smoothies for everyone.
I told them I wanted us all to look our best on the big day, so I was making them this special slimming smoothie. I even went as far as buying a weight loss shake and emptying the contents, filling it instead with a mega-weight gain protein powder I found in a body building shop. At first I went easy but by the month before the wedding I was adding triple the prescribed amount into Maggie and Charlie’s smoothie, leaving my own simply as fruit and coconut water.”
Unfortunately for Maggie and Charlie, Penny’s plan “worked like a charm.”
“By the time my wedding rolled around, each of my sisters had to have their dress altered to accommodate their thickening waistlines.
The day went off without a hitch and everyone had a great time. I never thought for a moment on my wedding day that I wasn’t the centre of attention or the most important person in the room.”
Her Cady Heron plot was never unveiled, and she doesn’t really feel bad about it all!
“And now, when I look back on my wedding photos – as I do often as we’ve got them displayed around the house – I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt that I’m standing there glowing and gorgeous in my bridal gown, and my sisters are looking washed out and chubby. But mostly I feel happy.”
Maggie and Charlie have both since lost the weight they gained in the lead-up to the wedding, and I’m glad about that. Sometimes they ask me to make those delicious smoothies I used to make, but I tell them the weight-loss shake has been discontinued. I make them toast instead.”
Hopefully, Penny used all real names so that Maggie and Charlie can find out about their demented sister and get her the help she so desperately needs. Talk about middle-child syndrome!