When you think of work, one usually thinks about spreadsheets and meetings and office gossip and making your way through your 10th cup of coffee of the day. We spend a sh*t load of hours, days, weeks, and years of our adult lives at work, so we usually become very close with our coworkers. Or you end up despising every single one of them because they don’t know how to send out a proper f*cking memo. I’m lookin’ at you Barb.
Sure, people may have their work wives and husbands who help get them through the day, but what happens when your work wife becomes more like a lover and someone catches you with your pants around your ankles while you blast away in the office closet? Some really NSFW sh*t, that’s what. Maybe the woman in the cubicle across from you thought it was the right time to show off her new clit ring to the entire office. Or maybe you walked in on the CEO railing lines of coke off of his secretary’s dick. Either way, work can get pretty f*cking lit if you know where to look.
I always thought work was going to be a boring escapade of staring at computer screens and minding my own business. Little did I know that work could be filled with dirty affairs, illicit activities, and a whole lot of office drama that would make even the Kardashians’ puffy mouths drop. I mean, what else are we supposed to talk about at the water cooler on Monday mornings now that Game of Thrones is over? Turns out, the IT guy found a sh*t ton of lactation porn on Bob’s computer. Who said work has to be boring?
These are 23 of the most NSFW things that have ever happened in an unprofessional setting:
1.
I once saw a girl sit down on the floor in one of the cubicles and show everyone her clit ring.
2.
Went into work because monitoring software on a server was sending out alerts. When I got there, a guy was in the break room cleaning a woman’s shoe in the sink. He was super startled when I walked in and began some weird story about the shoe smelling bad and it distracting him so he decided to just grab it and wash it. I was like “uh, well OK then Good Corporate Citizen.” A few weeks later, someone walked in on him masturbating with a woman’s shoe. Apparently, it was normal for female employees to occasionally leave a pair of shoes at the office. This was in Chicago, and you either left shoes there or carried them with you on your commute so that you could wear boots in the slush. At his exit interview, he made a point of saying that he always washed the shoes afterward. As if that somehow made it OK. They let him resign in lieu of calling the cops on him (although I’ve often wondered what the charges would have been. Is this even a crime?) The day he left, a memo went around explaining what had happened and authorizing full compensation for replacement of any shoes that had ever been left overnight.
3.
I had a manager in a call center in 1999 / 2000. She would sometimes have one-on-one meetings with employees in her office. During a meeting with me she was wearing a short dress/skirt, uncrossed her legs in a way where I could see she wasn’t wearing underwear and had a landing strip. I’m pretty sure she noticed that I noticed, but I don’t think she was doing it on purpose.
4.
I worked at a KFC. We had a nasty ex stripper that worked there and a horny manager. She wanted to go home early so they agreed that she could if he got to finger pop her asshole. They did it right behind the chicken warming case. I quit about a week later.
5.
I was working for an international company and we were rolling out video conferencing equipment. We had the far end system in the London office on and connected (it was like 9PM there) for testing. The monitor was off there, but the camera wasn’t. I was looking at network traffic when I heard voices. Looked up and saw an exec and his male assistant. Went about my business when my co-worker walked in and said “Hey, did you get tha- WHAT THE FUCK?” Exec had dropped to his knees and started going at it. On our 60″ monitor. I quickly killed the connection. And I still don’t know if my side was muted or not, but if it wasn’t it was probably pretty funny with some dude getting a beej and the a sudden voice coming through from nowhere.
6.
When I was 19 I worked for a quick oil change place and I had a woman sit in her car and change every stitch of clothing while I stood there and wrote down her information.
7.
First start-up I worked at in the 90s (just a few of us) ran meetings by having the note taker use a sheet of paper placed over a Playboy. If the note taker started flipping through the magazine, the meeting wasn’t interesting enough and was declared over.
8.
Was fixing someone’s computer, found about 35 gigs of child porn. Called the cops and called the dude saying his computer was fixed and ready for pick-up. He showed up at the store with the Sheriff waiting just inside.
9.
Worked in an office about 10 years ago, on a weekend once when we were closed, but I needed to catch up on a couple of projects I decided to jerk off at my desk (young and horny). Finished and double wrapped the tissue for flushing on the way out. Not a MINUTE later, a work colleague walked in and thought “thank fuck, that was close.” I told him I’m off home and I’ll see him on Monday. On my way out after I was done in the toilet I realize I had forgotten my phone so walked back into the office to see him at his desk jerking off.
10.
I used to work in a sign shop that specialized in vehicle wraps. My coworkers were always fucking around, and one of them must have lost a bet or something. I walked around a tour bus we were wrapping, and I saw him standing on the scissor lift, applying the wrap to the bus, wearing only his work belt and shoes.
11.
My coworker lightly brushes my junk and slaps my ass whenever she gets the chance. I’m not interested in her but I do like the attention.
12.
In my company we have live video in every conference room. If a meeting is scheduled between 2 rooms, then the live conference connects automatically and the 2 rooms are both on live video. Anyone in the company can schedule this. We were in a meeting that ended and the next meeting connected. Turns out the people in the room for the next meeting did not know this and were in a very NSFW activity. The whole executive team watched in shock what was happening in the 100 inch screen in front of them. They still have jobs. But that will haunt them forever.
13.
There was a guy and a girl, not in a relationship, that used to regularly go into the sick bay around lunchtime for 10-20mins. She was a bit loud. Everyone nearby knew when they were in session
14.
Work in the NICU. Walked in on a mom and dad snorting mom’s pain pills off the medical cart. Go figure their child was also born addicted to methadone. Immediate reporting done.
15.
In Brazil, we have this Whatsapp joke where they put some random video with the audio of Alexis Texas moaning very loud. Once I was on a kinda serious meeting and my boss got caught in one of those jokes. Needless to say that everyone laughed and took a 5 minute break before resuming the meeting.
16.
The owner of the company doing cocaine off the breasts of the PR Manager.
17.
I was getting a physical for school and had to take my gown off for the hernia part that same second his phone rang and he answered it and I’m standing there butt naked while he talks on the phone for 10 minutes.
18.
Walked in on two people having sex in the break room. They claimed they hated each other and they ended up together.
19.
Some patient at the hospital comes out of his room wearing jeans with a boner protruding through the open zipper. The people he walked past on that floor were too in shock to say anything to the guy. So he strolls onto the elevator and heads down to the lobby, full mast. Goes to the cafeteria, picks out some food, then security finally makes it to the guy while he is waiting in the check out line. Think he got a psych consult after that.
20.
When I worked at a big box electronics company I did computer janitor work. A lady brought in her 14 year old boy’s laptop because it was ‘acting slow.’ I booted it up in front of her, it had one folder on the desktop named after the kid. Opened that up and she and I both got an eyeful of thumbnails of the kid jacking it . Was insanely awkward. I closed and deleted the folder and gave her the computer back – she said ‘yeah, we don’t need to get this fixed, he’s not getting a computer back again.’
21.
I worked at a restaurant and one of the hostesses would talk about having anal beads in while working and how she came when she walked around the restaurant.
22.
During my ER clinicals to become a paramedic I saw 2 nurses and a doc go into a room together. Thought nothing of it untilI I went into that room to get something and they were having themselves a good old fashion 3 way. I wasn’t sure what to do so I did the mature thing and tried to gossip amongst the other nurses. They all already knew about it. Apparently the 3 of them actually lived together.
23.
I was on call at the hospital one night during my residency. I get called at about 3 am for a disturbance in a patient’s room. I walk down the hall and hear some screaming and a bunch of nurses standing outside this patient’s room. As I get to the door I see the patient standing in the corner, covered in her own poop, legs bent and arm up her gown. This woman was pulling out poop from her butt and throwing it at nurses and whoever tried to get near her. I “noped” the hell out of there. She eventually ran out of poop and I have a phone order for some meds to put her down. I felt bad for the housekeeping crew that night. They were up to their elbows in poop.
Laura is a freelance writer for TFLN. She likes to write about what she knows best — dating, sex, and being awkward, but usually in the opposite order. She is the Assistant Editor and videographer for Peach Fuzz, a sex-positive nudie magazine in ATX.
