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These Sex Shop Employees Spilled The Tea About Their Craziest Customers (25 Stories)

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I remember the first time I ever walked into a sex shop. I was 18, had just moved away from home to college, and thought it was a fun idea to accompany my friends to Boulder’s very own dirty boutique — “Fascinations.” I can almost smell the latex and silicon like it was yesterday. I looked around at the vibrators and dildos and floggers with an inquisitive and nervous glee as I brushed my fingertips along a row of fuzzy thongs. Fascination would be an understatement.

Fast forward a decade and my pussy now laughs in the face of vibrating underwear and 5 inch dildos (lolol). Sex shops are fun AF to get lost in, to peruse until you find the perfect little machine or contraption to give you endless orgasms, and to open up a healthy dialogue around sex and bodies and how people f*ck. Well, most of the time.

For sex shop employees — our sexual wonderland of toys and lust and idyllic openness is anything but. The crazies are bound to walk in and jizz everywhere at some point. According to the disgruntled present and former sex shop workers of the internet, dealing with super horny and ridiculous customers can sometimes take a toll. If you thought your 9 to 5 was bad, think about cleaning up people’s jizz and deflecting creepy dudes’ unwanted advances while you’re just trying to show them what kind of cock rings you have available. Sh*t (and boners) can get hard.

These sex shop employees had to deal with the most insane customers:


1.

I found a dead body in the preview/jerk off booth my 3rd shift at the shop. I saw the door was locked but the customer wasn’t paying for the movie/space any longer. Banged on the door, no answer. Grabbed the keys, the door was blocked. It was a huge man with overalls around his ankles lying dead on the floor. RIP.

2.

A middle aged couple came in looking for a cock ring and a bullet/small vibrator. When they were looking at our remote controlled bullets, they saw one that they recognized. They went on to tell me that the swingers group that they were a part of had bought about 8 of them for an activity they had planned. This activity entailed giving each of the ladies in the group a bullet and then all the men picking a random remote. The plan was that throughout their evening, the guys would use the remotes to activate the bullets that were inside the women without warning. Pretty creative plan, right? Except what they didn’t realize was that every remote and every bullet was exactly the same. So any bullet that was in range of the remote that was being used would activate. Apparently the night still went well, just not quite as planned.

3.

An older French woman came in, probably in her early 70s. Super sweet woman. I asked if I could help her find anything. She informed me that her daughter had bought her a vibrating dildo but it had died so she wanted a new one. I showed her what we had and she ended up choosing a very high end one. At check out, she realized that she’d like some lube as well so I helped her find the best one for her needs. Once we were back at the register, she again stopped me because she saw some female stimulation oil that she wanted. After that, she felt she had what she needed and finished her purchase (which came out to about 400USD). She thanked me over and over again, hugged me, and practically giggled her way out of the store. I seriously hope to be like her at that age.

4.

My buddy managed a sex shop and a guy brought back an inflatable love doll, wanted to return for exchange because he wore it out. My buddy just said you have to buy another one.

5.

A middle aged married couple came in one evening and kind of wandered around nervously. They refused my help at first but then finally caved and asked for my input. Apparently, they’d been married a long time and still loved each other but they felt like they had a dead bedroom situation that they wanted to fix. They wanted an awesome couples toy or activity that would rekindle things between the sheets. I immediately showed them something called the We-Vibe. A seriously magical couples toy. They were blown away by how much this little vibrator could do and were sold, not even caring about the high-ish price tag. They left looking so excited and maybe a little nervous. I felt like I’d helped save a big part of their marriage.

Written by Laura McNairy

Laura is a freelance writer for TFLN. She likes to write about what she knows best — dating, sex, and being awkward, but usually in the opposite order. She is the Assistant Editor and videographer for Peach Fuzz, a sex-positive nudie magazine in ATX.