Relationships

These Sex Shop Employees Spilled The Tea About Their Craziest Customers (25 Stories)

6.

Had video rental rooms with a $20 deposit. Use the Kleenex, don’t urinate in the trash can, you’ll get your deposit back. Why we had the urination rule was bizarre to me. Then I had to tell a guy he wasn’t getting his deposit back.

7.

One day, a middle-aged man came to the store, furious. Shouting “How can you people sell sextoys to kids??” (there’s no rule or law about this here). My brother tries to calm him down and ask what’s going on? Apparently, this gentleman’s ~13 year old son had purchased a Clone-a-Willy, a kit of which you can make a dildo that’s shaped like your dick. What the boy had done was that he had made a clone, and then used it on himself. What he didn’t know is that butt-toys have those wings to prevent it from sliding in, and that’s exactly what happened. Talk about fucking yourself. The kid had freaked and told his parents, so the dad had just been at the ER with his boy, and I guess needed a punching bag.

8.

My sister used to work at a classier sex shop. They got a lot of nurses in there from a nearby hospital so they always got to hear raunchy cases that came into the ER. My favorite one was this woman who wanted to try anal but her boyfriend wasn’t into the whole thing. She decided to try it herself and backed up onto a doorknob. Yes, you read that correctly. Now, picture a doorknob and think very carefully about the role of a sphincter… She got stuck and called the fire department who came down and cut a section of the door off. Apparently she was brought in, stomach down on a gurney, with part of the door attached protruding from her ass to the ER. A few muscle relaxers and some lubrication later and she was out of there.

9.

A woman came in who wanted to know if we had any extra large vibrators or dildos. Her job involved being very secluded so she’d met a guy online who would come and fuck her every so often and he was a black guy with a huge cock. She’d now gotten used to this as he was apparently 12″ plus and nearly the thickness of a drink can (allegedly). We didn’t have anything of the size she required so at my suggestion she bought a double ended dildo (which was pretty thick) to use both ends in her vagina at the same time.

10.

A girl who had the opposite problem, her vagina was too small for most vibrators. I had a feeling that this was a bit more of a chat up line than an actual problem though. Despite not being attractive I’d get a lot of women flirting with me, one even “forgot” that she was naked and walked out of the changing room to chat with me.

Written by Laura McNairy

Laura is a freelance writer for TFLN. She likes to write about what she knows best — dating, sex, and being awkward, but usually in the opposite order. She is the Assistant Editor and videographer for Peach Fuzz, a sex-positive nudie magazine in ATX.