Relationships

These Sex Shop Employees Spilled The Tea About Their Craziest Customers (25 Stories)

11.

An old gent came in and wanted to experiment with sex toys as he and his wife’s sex life was somewhat dead. I spent a while going through options with him and he seemed happy with his purchases so that was that. A week later an oldish woman came into the shop on my day off to see me to say thank you because their sex life was now incredible. She actually burst into tears while talking to my colleagues because it had made such a difference.

12.

The surreal one was an old fella who had never used sex toys but he wanted to try with his new wife so I had to explain how everything in the shop worked. We got to cockrings and he asked about one called a double helix so I explained that one ring went around the base of the penis while the other went around the scrotum. He replied “Oh that’s no good cause I don’t have one”. The guy had been in for a small surgical procedure and had caught a necrotising bug while in hospital which had eaten away the skin on his stomach and his crotch including his scrotum! He still had his penis and his testicles were unaffected but they’d had to be inserted into the insides of his thighs. Apparently he looked like a burns victim when naked and he was amazed that he’d met someone since then who didn’t mind his appearance so he wanted to be the best lover he could. Truly incredible guy.

13.

Back in the days of VHS rentals, I worked at a small porn shop. Every Sunday it was my job to run a report of all the overdue movies, and start making phone calls. I get halfway through the list and I hit this one guy who has a bunch of movies out and has already racked up a sizeable bill. I ring his number, and a sweet old lady answers the phone. I ask if John Doe is there, and she tells me that is her grandson and he’s out right now. So, I tell her he has a bunch of movies overdue and needs to bring them back and settle up. She innocently asks me “What movies does he have?” First one on the list: “Slamming Granny in the Fannie.” I hung up.

14.

I worked a porn movie and sex toy shack for about a year. There were promos for staff to try and sell higher end toys. If you sold a bunch you got a bonus. We all had different sales tactics. There was one super fancy vibrator I was hyping up. I had one (in the package) at the counter with a note saying “husband replacement unit.” An old dad came in to get a stack of rentals. (thus dating how long ago this was) Pops looked at the sign, took the toy, and placed it on the floor. Arms on his sides looking down at it. “Well, it doesn’t cut the fucking grass so I still have a job.”

15.

A woman came in who was very rough looking. She looked like the “after” on those meth warning pictures. I was watching her closely because I thought she might try to steal something. A guy came in and started talking to her. As they talked another person came in and asked me a few questions then bought something and left. I looked back over and saw that the guy and the rough looking woman were now fucking in the back corner of the store. I yelled at them and the guy took off and ran out of the store. The woman walked up to the counter, bare ass naked, and told me she was desperate for cock and told me she had met that guy on some phone chat line. She then asked if we had any “loaner” dildos. I told her no and that she needed to get dressed. She just walked out of the store completely naked.

Written by Laura McNairy

Laura is a freelance writer for TFLN. She likes to write about what she knows best — dating, sex, and being awkward, but usually in the opposite order. She is the Assistant Editor and videographer for Peach Fuzz, a sex-positive nudie magazine in ATX.