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14 Euphemisms for Masturbation That Might Be A Little TOO Creative

Image via Playbuzz
Image via Playbuzz

“Masturbation” would be a goofy-sounding term no matter what it meant.

Seriously, write a sentence with “paying your taxes,” “skydiving,” or “rolling your eyes at your annoying coworker Janice” and plug in the word “masturbating” in its place. Just try not to laugh.

If you somehow pass that test, call up an old friend and start the conversation off with “You know, Carol, I thought of you today when I was masturbating…” then wait a beat – just long enough for things to get uncomfortable – and casually follow up with “Oh, I meant vacuuming! Silly me, this happens all the time. I hate it when I get those words confused.”

…You didn’t do that, did you? Of course not, because it would be insanely f*cking awkward. (But still hilarious).

So, given all the baggage that comes with one, silly little word, it’s no wonder that sometimes, it’s just easier (and more fun) to speak in code.

And when you have enough people just making sh*t up – to describe something they do all the time, no less – colloquialisms abound. Things can get very, very out of hand (no pun intended). 

Here are 14 of the weirdest, most creative terms that have ever been used to describe masturbation:


1. Stroking the snake.

giphy
Image via Giphy

A classic.

 

2. Pulling some laffy taffy.

http://45.media.tumblr.com/0d18b32c6cbbd05c3ebca21302e41a9d/tumblr_mj3mtjbD7q1rmfaevo6_250.gif
Image via Tumblr

 

3. Brewing the baby gravy.

https://45.media.tumblr.com/aba311229115d2b525e70e8a6eec2607/tumblr_nd7pvrYPvZ1tjydheo1_400.gif
Image via Tumblr

Uh… Ew.

Written by Mary McCaw

Mary is a freelance writer and editor. She's based in San Francisco, but lately, home is wherever her suitcase is. If you really are what you eat, she is at least 50% pizza.