We’ve all been there — you’ve saved up for months for the perfect getaway, your bags are packed, and you’re ready to hit the road, Jack! Though, after a seven hour flight delay, getting stuck between a screaming baby and a woman who’s clipping her toenails on the flight, you walk out into the beautiful air of a new city only to have your purse stolen and your drink roofied and your hotel overbooked and your life turned into shambles. And all in the span of 19 hours.
Having a sh*tty travel experience as a tourist in a foreign land will make anyone question their humanity. When I was 23, traveling through France by way of the rails, I took a midnight train going ANYYYYWHEREEEE. Just kidding. I took a 14 hour overnight train from Nice to Strasbourg. I don’t know if it was the pistachio gelato that I had prior to my journey or my immune system saying “F*CK YOU,” but I spent that fateful night barfing and sh*tting (at the same time, mind you) in the tiny train lavatory while using a dirty towel as a blanket.
The cute, nice, German guy who had the pleasure of witnessing my every-30-minute dishevel into the bathroom could have been the love of my life for all I knew! We could have stayed up laughing and talking and making out, but instead, I was the painfully gross looking American tourist who had vomit stains on her shirt and absolutely 0 dignity. Oh well.
These 19 tourist horror stories will make you question that vacation you just booked:
1.
My family took a trip to Sudan to visit my Dad’s family. My brother came back with a severe rash all over his back. The rash persisted for a few weeks, and the doctors had no idea what it was. Then, we were at the park one day and he started complaining about the rash to our mom, saying it starting to hurt more. She ignored it, thinking he must have rubbed it on something by accident, when he feel to the floor screaming with pain, and literally hundred and hundreds of flies came flying out of a single hole at the base of his neck. He was 8. Apparently some sort of African fly had laid eggs (or more likely cocoons or something) in his back when we slept. They hatched when we were back in England. Scary shit.
2.
Signed up for a three day trip to Amsterdam that said it had good accommodations in the center of the city. It actually turned out to be a boat that was docked in a canal nowhere near anything. It was the middle of winter and there was no heat on the boat. The sewage system malfunctioned and leaked everywhere on the second day so the boat stunk. There was nowhere to even buy food nearby so I spent most of the trip huddled under a blanket feeling cold and hungry and wishing I had the energy to walk into the city.
3.
Got so badly sunburnt in Thailand every time I smiled my face bled.
4.
In Turkey a lot of the public toilets have attendants outside that you have to pay some small amount of money to in order to use them. We were out one day and my dad wanted to use the toilet, so my dad handed the money to the woman outside, and went to go in. Except, this woman wasn’t a toilet attendant. As the realisation of what my dad thought she was spread over her face, she started screaming “You think I am toilet attendant? YOU THINK I AM A TOILET ATTENDANT??? RAAARRGHH!!!” in broken half German half English and started chasing him down the road waving her handbag at him.
Laura is a freelance writer for TFLN. She likes to write about what she knows best — dating, sex, and being awkward, but usually in the opposite order. She is the Assistant Editor and videographer for Peach Fuzz, a sex-positive nudie magazine in ATX.
