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This is How Alcohol Should Really Be Labeled

10. Smirnoff: catnip for sorority girls

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As the label implies, Smirnoff has one purpose, and one purpose only: to lure hordes of unsuspecting betches into the dark, sticky hallways of the nearest frat house.

 

11. Peppermint Schnapps: Christmas, if Santa was an alcoholic uncle who knocks the tree over and forgets the presents half the time.

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Drink this, and you’re gonna have a flashback to a moment when you grew up too quick, either because your childlike innocence was forever shattered, or because you puked up a year’s worth of bad decisions in a single night.

 

12. Champagne: the sweet, sweet nectar of the gods that will make you feel like total shit the next day.

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It doesn’t matter that it probably only cost $6 – if drinking bubbly doesn’t make you feel fancy as f*ck, there’s something terribly, terribly wrong with you.

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Written by Mary McCaw

Mary is a freelance writer and editor. She's based in San Francisco, but lately, home is wherever her suitcase is. If you really are what you eat, she is at least 50% pizza.