Christmas — what should be a glorious time of love, family and friends, gifts, and decorating trees has devolved for many into pouring more and more bourbon into their eggnog and curling into little piles of holiday despair. The harsh reality is that Christmas can f*cking suck a big hard one, and no Santa or tree or 72 inch flat screen TV will make it any better. Bah humgbug.
Maybe you had a falling out with your drug addicted dad and he kicked you out of the house a few holidays back and Christmas has never quite been the same. Or perhaps your sister died on Christmas eve when you were 12 so every time the sleigh bells start ringing, you try to fill the devastating pit in your stomach with false happiness and a sh*t ton of weed.
It’s no joke that the holidays can make sad and wistful people even more sad and wistful, so thankfully, once Christmas is done — we can all look forward to getting crunk AF come New Year’s Eve. So don’t get too down on yourselves this December 25th because soon it will be over soon. And I mean, the way things are going with North Korea, it probably ALL will be over. Oh well. Happy holidays!
These people were broke, devastated, sick, dumped by lovers, friends, and family members — and probably had a way worse Christmas than you ever did:
1.
2008: I came down with swine flu and had to wear a surgical mask. My deadbeat dad went to jail. And on Christmas morning I found my beloved pet parakeet dead on the bottom of his cage. My neighbors looked out their back window that day to see a sobbing 17-year-old in a pink bathrobe and SARS mask saying a funeral for a dead bird in the middle of a blizzard. Fuck that year.
2.
A few weeks ago, my wife told me that she felt like we were losing the passion in our relationship. Today I saw in our phone bill that she texted some dude she works with over 4000 msgs in the month of November (around the time she started to become distant). Here’s the catch — I proposed to her exactly one year ago today. She is my second wife. The first one cheated on me while I was in Iraq. Fuck this shit.
3.
Christmas 2000. 9 year old me ran into my mum & dad’s room excited to open presents. Unfortunately as I was running in, I tripped over a rug and smashed my teeth against my parents bed post. Blood was everywhere. I lost one tooth (luckily a baby tooth) and fractured my adult incisor. I had to wait 6 hours in hospital for a specialist to arrive. Didn’t get to open any of my presents, and had to drink my Christmas dinner through a straw! We still have the bed post, with 3 clear distinct teeth marks.
4.
The worst I can remember is when I was ten, when I wrote a letter to Santa asking him to help my mom quit smoking (I believe it was around then that D.A.R.E. started). My mom, of course, read the letter, and she took me aside and told me never to bring that up with her again. And that’s how I found out there was no Santa.
Laura is a freelance writer for TFLN. She likes to write about what she knows best — dating, sex, and being awkward, but usually in the opposite order. She is the Assistant Editor and videographer for Peach Fuzz, a sex-positive nudie magazine in ATX.
