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27 People Confess Secrets They’re Taking to The Grave

5.

In gr.10 my dad made a deal with me. If I got an average of 88% he’d buy me a new laptop. Well the marks came in and I only got something like an 84-85% average. Well fuck that, I want my laptop. So I went online to the regional school board’s website and downloaded a pdf template of the report card (I dont know why they would have this available). Used a pdf editor to fill in the blanks and voila, got a brand new laptop! No regrets. P.S. After I did this, I started selling customized fake report cards for $50 each.

6.

I was molested and raped by a teenager multiple times when I was 6 years old. The last day it happened my mom walked in on the act. She was furious, she yelled, she grabbed a gun. She dragged the guy out while he pleaded for his life. She put him in her car and drove away. I never saw him again (he was my grandma’s neighbor), there was no police report, there was no trial. I asked her where he was and she told me that she took him far away and he wouldn’t come back. I didn’t think anything of it then, I hardly knew what had been happening and I eventually blocked it from my mind. I have flashes of it from time to time, sometimes I wonder what she really did.

7.

I was giving my cat a belly rub and it jizzed all over my hand.

8.

When my brother committed suicide I was walking into his house to go hang out, and I never knock because we’re best friends so his house is my house and my house is his house. Anyway, I walked in got some food from the kitchen and figured he might have a girl over because usually he’ll hear me and say what’s up from across the house so I didn’t bother him. I’ve been in his house eating for about 10 minutes when I hear the gunshot that killed him. When anyone asks I tell them I found him like that. I don’t think I’ll be able to ever tell anyone I know that if I would’ve just knocked or walked down the hall I might have saved his life.

9.

Well, I certainly hope that my grandma takes the fact that she just caught me masturbating to the grave with her… I’ve never felt so embarrassed.
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Written by Alex Cogen

Alex is a New Yorker currently living in Austin. She loves cats, grass, and latex but unfortunately is allergic to all 3. She makes mom and dad jokes more than she cares to admit (jk she'll admit it loud and proud). She isn't as funny as she thinks she is. She is the founder of thelazygurl.com.