Collections of our favorite texts from TextsFromLastNight.com
There’s nothing quite like a cushy job or a job you don’t really take seriously. Take it from these delivery guys. They clearly don’t give AF about their jobs, because if they did, they wouldn’t be smoking weed, getting drunk, and asking out their customers. But hell, despite failing at their jobs, these seem like the […] More
Cheating is so f*cked up. You’ve made a commitment to someone to be monogamous, and you’re just proving that your word ain’t sh*t. Seriously, there is nothing wrong with being single and f*cking around, so why not just do that and not treat someone’s heart like a punching bag? Yeah, cheating in general is just […] More
Grandparents are the tits. They tell you stories about the past, make you delicious food, and give the best advice. But if you picture all grandparents as quiet, sweater-loving old people, then you’ve got them all wrong. You see, some people get the vanilla/cuddly grandparents that go to bed early every night. And then there […] More
Nipples are hella delicate and should be treated with the utmost care. Sure, it’s fun to tug on those bad boys while banging, but when playtime is over, it’s time to treat those pepperonis like the precious commodities that they are. But some people don’t give their nips the TLC they deserve. They light them […] More
There is a certain level of respect one must always uphold at a funeral. But sometimes your way of mourning is a little less respectful than most. You just need to get drunk and let loose, because that is just how you grieve. Seriously, if you get a tad too drunk and say something stupid, it […] More
We’ve all been there. You got a little too drunk and ended up going home with someone whose name you couldn’t for the life of you remember. So when this happens, how do you figure out their name? You have a couple options: suck it up and ask them snoop through their room or wallet […] More
Ever have an off day and you just can’t seem to talk to the people you’re interested in? Or are you just kind of awkward, and don’t know how to introduce yourself to a fine AF specimen? Well, that’s when a wingman (or woman) would come in handy. Sometimes you just need a little help. […] More
Valentine’s Day is an annoying day reserved for annoying people in annoying relationships to canoodle, gaze into their lover’s eyes, whisper sickeningly sweet nothings into each other’s ears, and f*ck each other’s genitals into wonderful oblivion. Oh yeah, and it’s a day to show the person you love how much they mean to you. But like, […] More
Happy Valentine’s Day! Oh, sh*t, did you forget? Not to worry, there is one gift you can give that you don’t need to wrap: sex. Nothing says “I love you” like some heavy petting. Lay your boo down on that bed and bang till you’re sore, ’cause it’s the most wonderful time of the year! And […] More
Nothing is quite as scary as a pregnancy when you just ain’t ready yet. Seriously, pregnancy scares are so damn terrifying. Hell, you still can’t take care of yourself, let alone another human being (IS IT COOKING IF I CAN MIX TWO DIFFERENT CEREALS TOGETHER?). But there is also nothing quite as wonderful as finding out you’re […] More
A dude wearing a bright neon tank top yells through a shotgunned beer he just annihilated and smashes it on his face. Drunk girls in the itty-bittiest bikinis flail around to a dubstep remix of Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” while grinding on a bro wearing a visor. A couple of sunburned kids from Arizona State touch […] More
Gone are the days of lil ole grandma quietly reading in her favorite rocking chair while knitting sweaters for her favorite grandchildren. These days, grandma is getting crunk AF and out-partying her family with shots, strippers, and a lifetime of raucous knowledge. Who says an 85 year old woman has to relegate her golden years to mall […] More
