Collections of our favorite texts from TextsFromLastNight.com
All I want in life is to eat sushi off of someone and then bang till I hurt all over. Is that too much to ask? Does anyone else out there think that that sounds like #lifegoals? Or do you have another dream food-f*cking pairing in mind? Pizza and a BJ? Flapjack and anal? No? Well, […] More
“Why do they call it Plan B?” ‘CAUSE PLAN A WAS FOR YOU NOT TO CUM INSIDE OF ME. Sometimes, home-boy cums in you and you’re like, “really, dude?” But sometimes, the condom breaks and it’s really no one’s fault. Unfortunately, you still gotta deal with that ish PRONTO. So f*ck plan a, it’s time for […] More
Ever talked your way out of a ticket? Or were you so drunk and hilarious that a cop had no choice but to find your sloppiness entertaining? Perhaps you are just such a charming drunk, that you can befriend a cop and walk away without a hitch. Yeah, none of those things have happened to […] More
Life — we’re all just trying to figure it out. It seems like every experience teaches us something different. Like, for some people, the biggest lesson they’ve learned in college is — drink if you are happy; drink more if you aren’t. Someone needs to put that sh*t on a bumper sticker. We all make mistakes, […] More
We’ve all drunk puked in a garbage can before (DON’T LIE TO ME). Although a toilet is ideal, sometimes you can’t get there fast enough and a garbage can is your next best option. And you know what, garbage cans rule. ‘Cause a garbage can never judges you. A garbage can never says, “stop throwing […] More
In the wise words of founding father, Thomas Paine, “I like the bartender.. oooh if you’re lookin’ for me.” T-Pain, you really know your sh*t. Bartenders are the glue that holds us all together. Without them, it would be a booze free-for-all, and peeps would be gettin’ their stomachs pumped left and right. When your […] More
Are you one of those people that puts half their paycheck in savings, or do you go out and spend that dough ASAP? Maybe you’ve got bills to pay, or maybe you’ve just got a lot of living to do. It’s cool to spend some mullah on drankin’, getting high AF, and providing yourself with […] More
Eskimo Brother: When two males acknowledge having been intimate with the same female and remain on good terms, the men are now bonded by having shared the same igloo at one time or another. Have you ever banged the sh*t out of someone, only to find that you know people that have given it to them […] More
This one time, at band camp, a nerdy ginger beauty stuck a flute up her p*ssy, and the world as we knew it changed forever. American Pie changed our lives. A flute could be a dildo! An apple pie could be a substitute vagina! Suddenly, the sexual possibilities were endless and the world looked a little bit […] More
There are some things in life that you just want to keep to yourself. Maybe it’s your stash of scat porn that you keep hidden in the deep, dark crevices of your hard drive. Maybe you committed an act so embarrassing, so cringeworthy, you can’t even look yourself in the eye some days, so you stuff […] More
Sometimes we get a little out of hand when we drink. We puke our brains out, f*ck gross losers, spend dough we don’t have and say sh*t we really NEVER should have said. It happens, but we survive. Yeah, sure, sometimes your drunken escapades are HILARIOUS and result in the best stories ever that you will […] More
Being a freshman is the worst — everyone hates you for no reason, you can’t hold your alcohol, you have no idea where you’re going on campus, and you’re annoyingly eager to please. Just, like, go away. As a freshman, you’re probably going to get yourself into some pretty stupid sh*t. You get too drunk at […] More
